So that’s how my life’s going
Hello, I’m glad you could join me today! This week, we’re going to dissect some of my cringiest memories.
Some of you might be in happy, loving relationships, in which case, get away from me. For those of you who are single and gave up on Tinder, it might be tempting to hit up an ex, because it’s Valentine’s Day or the Mercury retrograde. I’m here to prevent you from rekindling that old flame by oversharing parts of my personal life.
If you’ve read any of my past articles in this column then you know that I’m a bit of a disaster. Luckily, I’m a shameless disaster so here we go.
The other day I was scrolling through my Google Drive when I stumbled upon an unnamed PowerPoint presentation. I opened it to find a repressed memory from May when I made my ex-boyfriend, Let’s Call Him Paul*, a slideshow about why we should get back together.
Let’s Call Him Paul and I had something of an on again off again relationship, and while it wasn’t all bad, it’s safe to say it was pretty dysfunctional.
The last time we broke up was on April 1 because my life is a joke, but somehow we managed to draw that out until the end of May. It was long-distance, with him being in Torontoish and me being in Ottawa, and we would hang out, talk on the phone, and send each other memes like this was completely normal behaviour. Think Celeste and Jesse Forever. We were best friends and also idiots.
I’ll be the first to admit this was mostly my fault. For context, our weird friendship came to a breaking point and we had to make a decision. Enter PowerPoint. Let’s Call Him Paul went to a concert and said we could talk later, so of course in the time he was gone I made him this slideshow and presented it to him over Skype when he returned. Ah, the joys of modern love.
To save you time, yes, it worked, and our honeymoon period lasted all of two days before we broke up again, but that’s not the point of this story.
This article is both a cautionary tale, and an ode to the effort I put into this PowerPoint; probably more effort than I put into any of my schoolwork for the past 15 years. It was funny, it was compelling, and of course, it was cringey.
Naturally, I started it off with an introduction featuring Bob Ross pictures that I stole from the internet (see above). The rest consisted of quotes from some of Let’s Call Him Paul’s favourite shows and movies, e.g. Bojack Horseman, Scott Pilgrim vs the World, and various anime (we were dorks), along with some videos of when we were a happy couple. For balance, I also added some reasons it wouldn’t work of which there were two:
Clearly I was biased. The pros list was a lot more fun and a little more abundant.
To wrap this up, allow me to explain myself.
Why I did it:
I’m insane. I actually did suffer a head injury the day after I presented this to Let’s Call Him Paul by falling down on a bus and flashing other passengers on my way to the beach. A box of donuts and Anndee Hoover saved my life, and we did not make it to the beach, but that’s a story for another edition of this column.
What I learned:
I dodged a bullet, and obviously so did he.
10/10 would not recommend. If you’re lonely this Valentine’s Day, remember, it could be worse. You could have made a PowerPoint presentation for your ex.
*He is not called Paul.