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Rapper’s new online release could lead to global tech crisis

Photo: Eva Rinaldi, CC, Edits Marta Kierkus

Although many have already described Pitbull’s music as a cultural virus, that idea has taken on a whole new meaning after Apple decided to automatically add the rapper’s new album to iTunes.

Besides containing painfully unoriginal club music, the new online album (titled Globalization) came bundled with some bad code that’s causing technical malfunctions worldwide.

Apple decided to carry out this recent music update in order to make up for their previous online album launch debacle. On Sept. 9 U2’s Songs of Innocence was automatically added to their iTunes library on Sept. 9, much to the frustration of 500 million iTunes users.

“We learned a lot from the previous album launch,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “After weeks of consultations, our research team eventually came to the conclusion that in order for an album launch to be successful we needed to headline a much more credible musical act. After we realized this, Pitbull was an obvious choice.”

Unfortunately, as soon as Globalization was released online, reports of glitches and software malfunctions began to flood Apple’s customer service department.

Some complained that their entire iTunes library was replaced by Mr. Worldwide’s music. Others said their Apple products were taken over by the rapper’s likeness, rendering the devices completely inoperable.

“Now, I can’t even make a phone call,” said U of O English major Calvin Conrad. “All of my apps were replaced with booty-shaking simulators and I can only text people using cheesy Spanish pickup lines.”

Even more bizarre is that female iPhone owners have reported that their devices have started addressing them directly, openly showering them with creepy compliments and encouraging them to “get down to da club.”

“It’s gotten to a point where I can’t even use my iPhone without getting borderline sexually harassed,” said sociology student Amy Gillen. “I swear if my iPhone tells me to ‘put my hands in the air’ or ‘shake that boom boom’ one more time, I’m going to send it down the garbage disposal.”

Even though the nature of this virus has baffled many, music critic Lance Matthews explains why Pitbull is the perfect model for a computer virus.

“Pitbull’s greatest attribute has always been assimilating into, or invading, new genres of music, whether it suits his musical talent or not,” Matthews wrote on his blog. “In 2004, he was attached to the crunk and reggaeton movements. By 2011, Mr. 305 was all about EDM. Last year, his influence spread as far as country music with ‘Timber.’ As a computer virus, he would be unstoppable.”

Tech expert Bruce Pike explains that these events are unprecedented in the field of computer science, and that we are actually witnessing the birth of freethinking artificial intelligence.

“My theory is that the douchiness and mediocrity found in Pitbull’s music is so powerful that it is actually becoming self-aware,” he said. “If this virus is allowed to spread, there’s no telling what it could do to our global telecommunications systems. We could have another Y2K on our hands here.”

In order to combat the spread of this potentially world-ending computer virus, Apple is suggesting that iTunes users simply ignore the problem and it will go away.

“At this point, we’re pretty sure that this virus runs on Slender Man rules,” said Cook. “So, the more you believe in Pitbull’s music, the stronger it becomes. Our advice: listen to literally anything else.”