Opinions

City dog owners left in a state of befuddlement

Illustration by Devin Beauregard

In a press conference, Mayor Jim Watson confirmed speculation that the Poop Fairy, a long-time City of Ottawa employee, is finally retiring.

The job description posted on the City of Ottawa website says the Poop Fairy is responsible for picking up after citizens who don’t pick up after their dogs. Benefits associated with the position include moderate exercise and good karma.

The Poop Fairy, Ottawa’s longest-serving public servant, was once easily recognizable as the guy who wore sanitary gloves and carried extra plastic bags while walking around Ottawa’s streets and parks. The Poop Fairy achieved semi-mythical status in recent years as sightings grew less frequent.

The Poop Fairy says he is still working full-time hours, but in the last few years there has been a lot more pooping and a lot less scooping.

“I’ve had to use my magical powers to jet around Ottawa at the speed of light, picking up shit wherever it could be found,” he said in an interview with the Tomato.

When asked to speculate on why there seems to be an increase in the level of dog poop left lying around Ottawa, the Poop Fairy said, “I’ve thought about that a lot. I think it’s a case of people being apathetic. Most dog owners think, you know, if a dog shits in the street and nobody sees it, did the dog really even take a shit?”

There are currently no plans for a job hunt to replace the Poop Fairy. Instead, Mayor Watson hopes Ottawans will follow the Poop Fairy’s example.

“We hope the citizens of Ottawa will try to emulate the hard work and dedication of the Poop Fairy, who has truly been an inspiration to us all,” said Watson. “Even if people only pick up after their own dogs, they will be continuing the noble legacy of the Poop Fairy.”

Ottawa’s dog owners are dismayed that no new Poop Fairy will be hired.

“I hate picking up dog crap,” said one dog owner, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of public shaming. “What am I going to do now that the Poop Fairy is retiring? I’m still not going to pick up my dog’s poo, and that’s final. So the city had better just find the funds for another Poop Fairy.”

When asked if he had any advice for novice pooper-scoopers, the Poop Fairy said he didn’t have any special technique to share.

“It’s pretty simple, really. You just bend over and pick it up.”