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Marta Kierkus. Pigeon photo: Carolyn Lehrke, CC.

Student fed stops using carrier pigeons to communicate

The Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) has finally come into contact with the Internet.

On Tuesday, one SFUO exec said she was out walking when she stumbled upon a brand new iPhone 6.

“Honestly, it was just lying there, bright and shiny,” she said. “After fiddling around with the device for a couple of minutes, I came across something called the ‘World Wide Web.’”

The exec immediately called an emergency meeting to inform the rest of the SFUO of the momentous discovery. After some confusion, they came to the conclusion that they could use this system of interconnected computer networks to effectively advertise student events.

Before this historic finding, many deemed the communication between the student federation and students as non-existent. The SFUO has traditionally relied on archaic, outdated, and sometimes bizarre methods to inform students about upcoming events.

“I didn’t know about the General Assembly. No one did,” said Jon Stefan, an engineering student. “No wonder they didn’t meet quorum. Who checks Western Union for telegraphs anyway?”

More recently, $10,000 worth of fireworks was used to advertise this year’s Winter Challenge and snow fort building contest. Unfortunately, the elaborate pyrotechnics were set off during the day, which minimized their effectiveness.

In lieu of this communications failure, the SFUO’s tin can telephone line was clogged with confused students looking to register.

“We tried really hard to get involved, but the tin cans distorted everything,” said Laiosha Burns, a team leader from the Faculty of Arts. “I couldn’t tell if they were saying ‘carts lean pin leaf’ or ‘starts the 19th.’”

Furthermore, this year’s student elections have been plagued by confusion surrounding the SFUO election guidelines because the carrier pigeons the student federation traditionally use to deliver this information have fallen ill.

“Somehow the birds got into the chili they serve in the cafeteria,” said the federation’s staff bird keeper. “They’ll be out of commission for at least the next two weeks.”

Now armed with the instant messaging power of the Internet, the SFUO plans to do great things.

“This is huge step forward for our student government,” said the SFUO’s vice-president of services and communications. “With this technology at our fingertips, we are definitely going to explore new opportunities like online voting, email, and maybe even MySpace.”

One question remains: Who’s been running the SFUO website until now?