The Tomato

The second attempt at Canada 150 will feature more robots. Photo: US Embassy and Stu Spivack, edited by Christine Wang
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Ottawa turns back the calendar 365 days for a better party

This week, the City of Ottawa announced that due to the recent success of La Machine, which eclipsed that of the Canada day revelries, they will be hosting the Canada 150 celebrations for a second time. In order to make this possible, all of Ottawa will be turning their calendars back to 2016.

To begin the process, City officials are removing all 2017-18 calendars from stores, and will be releasing a new and improved version of the Canada 150 advertising campaign in a few months. As part of the festivities, all businesses and residents will also be required to travel 365 days into the past.

“We think this really is the best solution, even though we have to redo a year’s worth of paperwork,” said newly-appointed director of time travel Philip Farnsworth.

“We have a chance here to throw a better event than ever, and we’re embarrassed that we didn’t think of metal dinosaurs in our original planning,” said Mayor Jim Watson. Inspired by La Machine, the second Canada 150 will see robotic versions of Canada’s first prime ministers, as well as a metallic Justin Trudeau that will spend the day at Mooney’s Bay kayaking and being robo-shirtless for photo-ops.

With the chance at a redo, the event organizers are aiming for an even more obscure list of musical performers. When asked about this new policy, Watson responded,  “We sent a few people to hang out at karaoke nights and just invited anyone who seemed to be decent.”

This time change means that all residents of Ottawa will now be a year younger, but only within the borders of the city. When asked to comment on how this would work logistically, City officials responded, “At least age doesn’t affect anything important like your ability to participate in elections or drive.”

After being reminded that both of these things are affected by age, Farnsworth retaliated, “Can’t you youths just shut up and enjoy your second 20th birthday party?”

The City has advised that those affected by the time change may face a variety of side effects, including, but not limited to; reduced ageing, rapid greying of hair, and most importantly, confusion.  Any residents with questions about how the change will impact them are urged to visit the new time travel office at City Hall, which will open on September 26, 2016. So really, it’s either been open for a year or it’ll open in a few weeks.