The Tomato

One of the tens of pigeons enlisted by the Ford campaign. Photo: CC, Julius Neubronner.
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Campaign will use latest in biplane, carrier pigeon technology

After a largely confusing election process last week, the Ontario Conservative Party announced Doug Ford as their new leader. Ford ran on a ‘populist’ platform that had more than its fair share of antiquated ideas such as getting rid of Ontario’s sex ed curriculum. Ford also recently announced that he’ll be using old-fashioned marketing techniques to spread his campaign message in addition to the old school values of his platform.

“A large part of our campaign is going to be focussed on the province’s sex-ed curriculum, taking things back to a time when there was an acceptable limit to how much ankle a woman could show,” said Ford’s chief-of-staff Elliot Ferguson. “We already have a tour scheduled to visit every town on market day, complete with the latest moving picture booth showing the evils of sex education and that other great evil, running water.”

Rumours have also been swirling that Ford’s campaign has started recruiting biplane pilots from aerodromes across the continent to fly banners over every community in the province, no matter how many horses the town may have. The biplane program will be joined by a comprehensive carrier pigeon program that will carry campaign messages directly into the homes of Canadians.

“We’re expecting a bit of a challenge keeping the planes away from the carrier pigeons, but at least we scrapped the triplane design,” said Michelle Gentry, the head of the airborne advertising campaign. The carrier pigeons will reportedly be painted blue and red, and will carry the finest possible wood carvings of Ford as they fly to residences from Orillia to Vaughan.

When asked to justify his use of these old forms of technology to communicate with voters, Ford said, “This is the demographic we’re trying to appeal to, those that are living in a world untouched by progress, whether it be progressive social values or talking movies.”

From carrier pigeons to silent movies, Ford’s campaign has surely made use of the technology representative of the times he’s living in. It’s a question now of whether Ford’s telegramme values will appeal to Ontarians, or if he should have updated his social platform to at least the days of the rotary phone or Model T.