The Tomato

No one waiting in line to vote. Photo: Eric Davidson.

Poll clerks use intricate lies to keep up election myth

In a surprising turn of events, it appears that no students voted in this year’s general election for the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO). After weeks of fierce campaigning by numerous candidates from opposing slates, voter turnout has finally reached an all-time low of zero per cent.

While many students reported seeing lines near polling stations on campus it appears that this was a series of almost unbelievable coincidences, and a few tricks. “We just had a lot of people asking us for directions. It was like many of them had never been in the building before,” said Craig Hagen, a poll clerk in the lobby of the Faculty of Social Sciences building.

Later on during voting week, when the lack of completed ballots became more apparent, Hagen and his colleagues got creative. “We couldn’t count on students asking for directions all the time to help us appear busy. It got to a point where we actually just got our friends to hang around the table so there’d always be people there, just in case,” he explained.

Those working the voting stations weren’t the only ones who had to handle the lack of votes. “No one was sure how to tell the candidates that no one was voting so all the ballot counters just sat in a room and watched Netflix all night. It was pretty great, we finished a season of Black Mirror, so not a total waste of time,” said Jordan Edilstein a third-year accounting student.

Some students are saying that they would have voted if there had been better incentives for doing so. “When I found out that there were coffee coupons for Café Alt I was a little disappointed,” said third-year political science student Raphael Penguin. “Would Timmies have been possible? It is Roll Up the Rim season after all, and I want my democracy to come with the chance of a free bad donut.”

Concerns about food and giveaways weren’t the only reasons students reported for keeping them from going to the polls. “Voting is pretty boring you know? There’s a lot of reading involved, every slate is essentially the same and they tend to frown on writing profanity on the ballot,” said Julius Pepperwood, a second-year computer science student.

Whatever the reason for not voting it seems that students are saying loud and clear, “S-F U-O.”