The Tomato

Polar vortex forces Canada to eliminate environmental regulation

Illustration by Tina Wallace

With the polar vortex gripping North America in what many are calling one of the coldest and most miserable winters on record, the Canadian government has announced its plans to immediately eliminate all regulations on the environment, including those controlling emissions standards and deforestation.

Layla Agluegun, minister of the environment, made a brief announcement in Parliament on Mar. 13.

“The fact is, if we want to escape the clutches of this brutal winter season, we need to take bold, concrete action,” said Agluegun. “As Al Galore pointed out in An Inconvenient Truth, all our cars and factories are constantly pumping out carbon dioxide, which traps heat in the atmosphere and keeps it on earth. As of today, I am proud to announce we are eliminating all environmental regulations that might hinder our ability to pollute and heat up our atmosphere with as much CO2 as is humanly possible.”

Agluegun finished emphatically, “We are committed to ensuring Canadians never have to shiver through another winter like this again.”

Environmentalists were blindsided by this sudden move and are tearing up the government’s logic. In an interview with the Tomato, David Suzuki said, “How can the government think that this will be a positive step? Don’t they realize the global consequences of such a rash decision, like how sea levels will rise and flood cities?”

Shortly after Suzuki’s statement, Agluegun gave a response on her Twitter account: “#DavidSuzuki that’s what Noah’s Ark was for.”

The decision was also met with criticism from Rickie Mercier, one of Canada’s most active political commentators. On a rant during his weekly CBC show Rickie’s Report, Mercier blasted the Conservative government for the decision.

“But should we expect anything else from a prime minister who once defended global warming as a means to extend the Canadian gold season?”

There are mass protests planned in many Canadian cities to bring attention to what environmentalists believe to be pure stupidity on the part of the government, though all of the protests north of Toronto have been cancelled due to ferociously cold temperatures.

But Agluegun also mentioned that if this plan doesn’t work, further action would be taken to increase Canadian warming.

“I mean, we have got tons of trees up in the Canadian Shield that are scrubbing our atmosphere clean,” she said. “So, no wonder our winter has been cold as hell this year. If this pollution plan doesn’t work out we might need to cut some of them down and smog up our skies like China does if we want any chance of ending these crushingly cold winters for years to come.”

The Tomato is the Fulcrum’s satirical news page within the opinions section. These articles are meant to satirize an issue in our community or nation. They are not to be taken seriously; however, you should consider them in relation to your other news sources.