The Tomato

Professor Bloombergistonsmith’s office door. Photo: Christine Wang.

The Tomato investigates

On Nov. 18., 300 U of O students showed up to their 5:30 p.m. chemistry lecture, in hopes of picking up some study tips for the final exam. MacBooks on, they waited patiently for the professor to show up. A few minutes passed but the professor didn’t come. After it was clear he was a no-show, the students went home.

A couple of days later, their second lecture of the week was held. Once again, the professor was nowhere to be found. The teaching assistant went to the front of the room and told everybody to go home and wait for the exam—there would be no more classes for the semester. Stressed and disgruntled, these students reached out to the Tomato to get to the bottom of it.

After some intensive investigation, Tomato reporters found the professor at his office in D’Iorio. This is their haunting report.

The sound of wailing rang through the hall, with a trail of Relish Food Truck wrappers leading to his door, which held a hand-made “Closed” sign. After knocking on the door, the sobs got louder and one could hear someone yelling “GO AWAY”. Eventually, the door was opened the slightest bit, and what was seen next, was frankly horrifying. Puffy red bloodshot eyes, tear-stained cheeks, this man looked like he had been through hell, or finals week, or both.

“I just…I just wanted to do my best to help these kids you know? I try so hard. I roll out of bed and come and stand in front of 300 students and ramble on about bonds and elements. But I didn’t know that my bond with the students was so non-existent” he sobbed.

The reason for his distress? A terrible course evaluation. It read: “Professor Bloombergistonsmith is the worst professor ever. He can’t teach, his exams are too hard, the textbook is too expensive and to top it all off HE WEARS A SWEATER VEST TO WORK. I mean what self-respecting adult wears a sweater vest? And don’t even get me started on his iced coffee; it could be 2 degrees or 20 degrees and he’d still be drinking iced coffee. LOL, WHO DRINKS ICED COFFEE IN THE WINTER? His evaluations have been super lecture-heavy, which is so unfair. I mean HELLO, I’m watching Netflix in class, I don’t have time to pay attention to his lectures when there’s a new episode of Riverdale! Worst prof ever ”

“If someone had a problem with my sweater vest, they could have told me, I would have changed, I can change,” Dr. Bloombergistonsmith assured concerned Tomato reporters, his voice cracking. “I just drink iced coffee because my teeth are sensitive and it hurts to drink hot beverages,” he explained.

Bloombergiston confided that he hopes his students next semester will be kinder than this year’s.

I just wished they talked to me. I wish they communicated their feelings. Nobody comes to office hours. I haven’t seen Riverdale, but I’ve heard good things. I just feel like no one cares about me and my feelings.”

After wiping  his tears the broken man declared, “I cannot bear to face anyone, so ‘til Christmas, I’m going to stay in this office.”

Since the incident, the Tomato has learned of other profs refusing to come to class for fear of being bullied.

The university administration has looked into the matter and will be holding sensitivity training next week for all affected professors, and their respective student bullies.