The Tomato

A new THE report cites a lack of culturally appropriated yoga as a factor in the low ranking. Graphic: Jaclyn McRae-Sadik
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Yoga, SFUO, a lack of Iced Capps on campus excluded from original report

For the third consecutive year, the University of Ottawa’s international rank by Times Higher Education (THE) poll has fallen, giving the school its lowest worldwide score in history.

The report initially cited research quality as the main issue, but THE has since come forward with the real reasons for the drop.

According to a THE representative, the slide in the university’s stature occurred as a result of the declining quality of campus lifestyle.

Reportedly, factors that lead to the U of O’s demotion on the global stage include  the total lack of culturally appropriated yoga, hummus-free cafeterias, and Iced Capps at the campus Tim Horton’s.

The report also mentioned the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa’s (SFUO) budgeting scandals, firework extravaganza teases without any indication of release, and the hot dog guy inexplicably running out of Italian sausages on every other Tuesday for the past eleven months unless there’s a full moon or a solstice.

The Tomato was able to reach a noticeably distracted THE representative for a phone interview—though they appeared to be watching Netflix’s new hit television drama Luke Cage at the same time.

“When it comes down to it, I really think the new ‘green space’ knocked the university down, I dunno, at least three spots in the rankings,” said the THE representative. “It’s not even all the concrete, I’ve just never really liked tents. I think a lot of people here at THE echo that sentiment.”

Also mentioned in the report is busing and transportation frustrations, Lees Campus in general, construction, the weird bathrooms with tubs in the bottom of that maths building, and the fact that the Ravens’ logo is just so much cooler.

Handwritten and then seemingly scribbled out on the bottom of the report is the phrase, “When nothing is going right, go left” and also the statement, “I wish my parents sent me to Western.”

The U of O’s falling rank has been a primary concern for the school’s administrators.

In a brief press conference on the university’s recent ranking, while yelling over the sounds of construction workers unintentionally backing up an excavator into what remains of Lamoureux, a sweaty Jacques Frémont stammered, “This ranking is actually a good thing for the University of Ottawa. I mean, there’s only up from here, right? How could we possibly fall any lower?”

Shortly after leaving the stage, Frémont reportedly began asking students whether or not anyone had seen Allan Rock recently, and how to get in contact with him.

In hopes of returning the university to its former international ranking, the SFUO and Board of Governors are currently in talks to launch an annual firework festival, seeking a $10,000 increase to their annual budget.