The Tomato

Photo: CC, Ricardo Pratas. Edits: Rame Abdulkader.
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The Tomato gives readers an exclusive look at an in-camera BOA session

A recent meeting of the Board of Administration (BOA) of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) ended in applause on Aug. 12 after its members agreed to sit back and watch the student union burn.

“This is unprecedented!” exclaimed former BOA member Batthew Moulden, who had just completed his third consecutive mobile popcorn order. “I mean seriously! A decision like this hasn’t been made since the last board meeting almost four months ago!”

Moulden’s excitement echoes that of many other students, who were overjoyed to hear that they were to be removed from the boardroom following a successful vote to switch to an in-camera meeting.

“When I heard that a new chair was elected to discuss the allegations of fraud against her and several members of the SFUO executive after we had all been kicked out of the room, I almost wept with joy,” said third-year student Jeb Bush. “This means that we’ll be left with absolutely no say about what’s going to happen to our elected officials accused of fraud!”

In an exclusive interview with the Tomato, President Richie Lachic, who missed this board meeting for a trip to Morocco, confirmed the rarity of this event, saying “Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this would go so well! Now I’m not saying that I did or didn’t steal the money, but if I HAD stolen it, I would be overjoyed that one of my co-conspirators was chairing the meeting where the consequences were discussed! And I was obviously not involved okay? Maybe it was the Russian hackers, I hear that they often meddle in elections. Why are we talking about elections anyways? I’m the president, that means that your money is my money and I can do what I want! Right?”

After much digging and many called-in favours, the Tomato has received a copy of the recorded in-camera meeting. The shocking footage shows BOA members arguing over who should be elected next year’s vice-president of finance and inherit the accompanying club: Testing Restaurants uOttawa. Near the end of the video, several members stood up to dance around the table chanting “impartiality doesn’t matter” as a portrait of President Richie was hung on the wall.

After finally allowing the public back in, the board got down to the more serious business, discussing a motion that many students vaguely recalled having something to do with microwaves.

When the Tomato finally reached the SFUO for comments nearly a month later, a spokeswoman shuddered and slammed the doors to the office, exclaiming in hysteria that “the students want us to be accountable! Run! Hide! Burn the evidence!”