The Tomato

After a summer of layoffs, the SFUO is hiring once again. Photo: CC, Mike Birdy. Edits: Jaclyn McRae-Sadik.
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Federation seeking private Uber drivers, social media master, and more

Great news for students looking for a steady source of income this semester! After narrowly avoiding bankruptcy this past year, the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) announced that it will finally resume hiring.

While traditional positions are still available, the SFUO is trying to revive its image and ensure a successful year for the federation by offering new and exciting employment opportunities.

The SFUO is looking to fill the following positions immediately:

Secretary—must be fluent in a language. Not necessarily French or English. Any language will do. In fact, the secretary is encouraged to write in his/her own made up languages, and poor communication is considered an asset. The secretary must publish meeting minutes as soon as possible, and no later than two years after the meeting.

Fireworks coordinator—this person will be responsible for the SFUO’s fireworks fiasco. No experience with or plans to use fireworks is necessary.

Private Uber drivers—following the discontinuation of the executives’ private jet, and to avoid hefty taxi charges, the SFUO is now looking for private Uber drivers. The federation is currently accepting drivers who have the following brand(s) of car: Lamborghini, Mustang, Ferrari, Mercedes Benz, BMW, and Lexus.

Student  bouncers—with over 250 SFUO-approved student clubs on campus, incoming freshmen may get extremely overwhelmed signing up for various clubs and neglecting their studies. Applicants must be able to hold back throngs of excited students who want to sign up for underfunded activities.

Social media master—must be able to keep up with a strict Twitter posting schedule of once per semester.

General Assembly (GA) Planner—must organize and plan a GA no later than 24 hours before the event is set to begin.

Foot masseuse/masseur for foot patrollers—foot patrollers have to do a lot of footwork. The masseuse/masseur will help members of this service to get back on their feet, and ease the tension of SFUO spending cuts and a lack of job security.

1848 beverage taster—must have a high alcohol tolerance. This is to ensure that our student-funded beverages at 1848 are up to the highest standards.

Pokémon GO tour guide —applicants must have excellent navigation skills, and must know all the campus buildings’ three-letter abbreviations. He or she must be able to identify the fastest way to hit all the nearby PokéStops. The SFUO only wants the very best, the best there ever was.

Student Clubs Treasurer—Oh wait, nevermind.