The Tomato

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IN A LAST-MINUTE decision, the University of Ottawa has decided to cancel all exams for the winter 2013 session. The administration cited “high levels of stress,” “overconsumption of energy drinks,” and a “lack of social cohesion” in students as the main reasons behind this decision.

Allan Stone, the president of the university, believes these new regulations will enable students to relax more.

“We were just tired of hearing so many complaints from students about how difficult their lives are in April, so we decided to change the whole basis for success at our school,” said Stone.

“Instead of promoting effort, dedication, and intellectual merit like the old system, this new method will encourage those with wealth and style. It’s no longer just about earning success, it’s about making everyone’s lives easier,” he continued.

Stone explained that traditional grade breakdowns would be eliminated and marks would be awarded based on less stressful factures.

“Twenty per cent of grades will now be decided by how expensive your laptop is, another 20 per cent will be by how well you dress, and 45 per cent by how many hours you have logged in the library, regardless of productivity. The remaining 15 per cent of marks will be decided by an in-class competition of hand-raising.”

Abdullahi Hassan, a fourth-year business major, is excited about the changes.

“I’ve been logging 22-hour days in the library for weeks now. Finally all of my time spent procrastinating on Spotted at uOttawa, streaming Game of Thrones, and going for coffee breaks will be recognized and measured. It’s about time I get rewarded for the appearance of my work, rather than its quality,” said Hassan.

“It’s liberating to know that all my hourly Facebook and Twitter updates I wrote complaining about assignments and studying will now be used as proof for the time I spent in the library,” he continued.

Sabrina Colangelo, a part-time waitress at the bar Dads and Children, thinks the changes will have a profound effect on business.

“April has always been a really tough month for us. Karaoke nights have been deserted, wings had to be thrown out, and the only people who really showed up were philosophy majors. Getting rid of exams should change that,” she said.

“I think that’s important not just for our own business, but for the social well-being of these students.”

According to Colangelo, students won’t be limited to bad reality TV or games of solitaire and brick breaker as their only sources of enjoyment in April.

“Beer is back on people’s minds, and that can never be a bad sign,” she said.

Sources close to university administration have hinted that if this new policy goes over well, a follow-up announcement cancelling all essays and assignments will soon be in the works.

*In case you’re a person who just doesn’t get it, this is satire. Please actually show up to your exams. Love, Kristyn Filip, Editor-in-Chief