The Tomato

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The proof is in the passport

Photo illustration by Mathias MacPhee

AMERICA’S FAVOURITE HAIRPIECE has done it again. Donald Trump made a statement earlier in the week demanding to see proof that Pope Francis, the newly appointed leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was actually born in Buenos Aires, Argentina as he claims.

“I don’t pick and choose,” said Trump in an interview with the Fulcrum. “It’s only fair that every elected official should prove to me that they are who they say they are.”

Indeed Trump has requested to see other prominent newsmakers’ official papers. He famously questioned U.S. president Obama about his long-form birth certificate. Obama got in on the joke, playing the opening scene to The Lion King and calling it his birth video at the White House correspondents’ dinner where Trump himself was in attendance.

One failed mission is nothing to a three-time divorcé with several bankruptcy claims and title of punch line for the late-night-comedy crowd; and Trump, much like his combover, can’t be held down. He’s been busy skimming news articles about the new Pope.

“He’s already lied about his name,” Trump said, referring to the Pope’s birth name Jorge Mario Bergoglio. “We need to stand up and confront people in power—this Frank guy can’t be changing names and running religion without proving to the world and myself that he’s legit.”

Of course, all those who hold the position of Pope are required to pick a papal name upon election. Francis is the first to honour Saint Francis of Assisi, and did so because he, like his namesake, is concerned about the world’s less fortunate citizens.

“If that’s true, His Holiness should speak to me as soon as possible,” Trump said. “We could choose a charity and have him test his skills on Celebrity Apprentice. He’s no Kardashian, but I think we can make an exception for him.”

Pope Francis doesn’t seem concerned about Trump’s demands, responding with “I’m sorry, who?” when asked about his thoughts on the matter.

Citizenship is of no real concern when it comes to deciding a new leader in the Vatican; candidates this time around ranged from Canadian to South African. They do have to be active in the church, and in most cases they have to have climbed through the religious ranks to the position of cardinal before being selected as pontiff.

During his brief research on Pope Francis, Trump commented, “Frank played for the Cardinals? That’s pretty bad-ass. A quick look at his passport and we may just be friends yet.”

Sources close to Pope Francis believe Trump shouldn’t wait around to become BFFs with the Pope. That position has already been filled by God.