The Tomato

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UN to provide peacekeeping forces to resolve baboon dispute

After news that the Toronto zoo is closing its baboon enclosure due to fights between female members, the United Nations (UN) has stepped in with hopes of peacefully resolving the power struggle.

In light of recent UN failure to mediate in Syria they’ve moved onto more realistic goals and are trying to successfully provide peacekeeping assistance to these baboons.

After an older baboon, Queen Betty, died, tensions emerged between her daughter and natural successor Molly, and an older baboon named Putsie. An uneasy truce exists right now between the two warring parties and a UN peacekeeping force is being constructed to ensure the peace remains.

UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon called an emergency meeting of the Security Council to discuss what should be done about the emerging difficulties in the Toronto Zoo. “I believe this is an area that the UN can do a lot of good in—I think we’ve finally found ourselves a situation that we can resolve,” said Ki-Moon.

A peacekeeping force is expected to arrive in the baboon enclosure at the Toronto Zoo around the time that the succession issue is sorted out. The peacekeepers are being drawn from all permanent Security Council members as well as some NATO forces.

“We’re going to try and distract the forces with bananas so that we can then sit down and negotiate with the leaders of each side,” said Amy Williams, the American officer appointed as leader of the force.

“Hopefully we can quickly get the exhibit back up and making money rather than being closed down. Our goal though is to go in there and accidentally make the situation worse by playing politics,” says Williams. Many are hoping that UN involvement will only make things a little worse, rather than the drastically worse it normally does.

The Tomato reached out to either Molly or Putsie for a comment but they did not provide comment before the time of publication. “They’ve both moved into their own little hideaway in the enclosure and seem to be making more advanced weapons,” says zookeeper Jeff Fischer. “I hope the peacekeepers are able to do something because I’ve seen Planet of the Apes and I have a very bad feeling that this might be the start of that.”