Students on the brink of starvation now that kitchen appliances are under lock and key

In the wake of Kellyanne Conway’s recent mind-bending news conference, where she revealed we can’t trust our own kitchen appliances, the University of Ottawa has ordered all microwaves be removed from campus.

U of O president Jacques Frémont said that these actions are being taken to counter fears of students being spied on as they heated up their Mr. Noodles.

“With recent revelations south of the border, we felt it was in our students’ best interests if we removed any devices capable of conducting espionage on campus,” Frémont said in a statement to the Tomato.

Students are desperately trying to figure out who is the mastermind behind this new alleged spying technology, with everyone putting forward their own ideas.

As of this publication, most groups have ganged up against the Department of Computer Science, and Frémont issued an investigation while reheating his dinner from the night before on a 30-year-old hot plate. Sources confirmed it was a piece of tourtière.

While student groups are pointing fingers, many are ignoring the all-too-real consequences on the ground.  

“You can hardly fall asleep on a Friday night, there’s just so much stress,” said first-year chemistry student Mo Mungry. “You know when you wake up, there won’t be any way to make food tomorrow. It’s scary.”

Many older students have opened “microwave shelters” in their off-campus homes so students living on campus will be able to gain access to much-needed nourishment from their Uncle Ben’s rice and Kraft Dinner cups.

“Yeah, it can be scary in those shelters,” said Mungry. “It’s all in the eyes, that hungry gaze. You know they need this microwave.”

A small, but vocal, group of student activists have been trying to raise awareness of the functioning stovetops that are found in all residences, but their activism has largely gone unnoticed.

“I just wish my mom was here,” said first-year Telfer student Connor Nocook. “I think she knows what an oven is. But hey, they say stout is like a meal, right? And a stout is like a PBR, right?”

One student said he’s been forced to eat shawarma for nearly every meal (which, if I may editorialize, seems more like a blessing than a curse), without any OSAP, which means he continues to struggle to make ends meet.

“Yes, it’s hard,” said the student, who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t afford to be eating out everyday, and I just have food at home going to waste, food that needs to be warmed up.”

“We’re going to have a revolution on our hands if things don’t change soon,” said Nocook, as he tended a microwave shelter that’s remained packed full of sickly students since Day one of the ban.

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