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Fulcrum  staff videographer, Alina Kalinina has always had a somewhat shaky relationship with food. Now, as she prepares to get in tip-top shape, both physically and mentally, she’s sharing her past experiences and her plans for the future.

I think about food a lot.

I think about what to eat. I argue with myself about what I should and shouldn’t be eating. I think about what I should cut from my diet. I think about portion size.

Despite this, I eat, sometimes too much. I eat things that aren’t that great for me, and I snack. In my attempts to lose weight and be healthier I have developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I eat less during the day, or I try to eat as little as possible. But I’m human — I have to eat, right? It’s what we do.

As soon as I eat I feel bad about myself.

I try to do it properly. I eat healthy meals and I exercise, but when nothing happens— at least not enough for me to notice — I give up and then, you guessed it, I eat.

I feel guilty about the fact that I give up and binge, so I eat more. I tell myself that I will get back on track tomorrow and then tomorrow turns into a whole week or more.

I have come to accept that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m stressed, and with school, life, and all the big things that accompany them, I find comfort in food. For some reason, shoving food in my mouth makes my body feel like everything is A-OK, but it’s not.

I know what I’m doing and I feel bad, so I eat.

I’m not constantly grazing, in fact I rarely eat junk food and I’m always amazed when people tell me that they lost weight by cutting out pop, or chips, or bread. Sometimes I think life is cruel.

At the moment, I am on track. I’m aiming for a balanced eating and exercise combo and so far it’s going pretty well. Some days are better than others but I’m determined that this time I will stay dedicated. I have decided that a diet is something you commit to for yourself and not simply something you do for just a week, or a month, or just to look better. I am hoping this vantage point helps me accept a healthier outlook on food.