Dear Di

Dear Di
Display your shock, loudly exclaim something alluding to your surprise, and immediately make a wildly accusatory phone call. Image: Hailey Otten/Fulcrum
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AUX-up in FSS

Dear Di,

Bluetooth is like your cheating, gas-lighting partner. It builds a relationship of trust with you for months, only to weaponize it when you’re at your most comfortable or, even, vulnerable. 

That is to say: a few days ago, I thought my AirPods were connected, opened TikTok, and loudly played moaning audio. Everyone looked at me with disgust and contempt and I felt compelled to immediately put my jacket on and leave the premises (i.e., run out of FSS in shame). How do I emotionally recover?

Ashamed and Afraid

Dear Triple A,

Well, I guess you now know whether your first response is fight or flight. 

I understand that this is without a doubt a difficult situation to be in: everyone looking at you, repulsion in their eyes as they assume you’re publicly watching porn for all to hear, without a care in the world. It doesn’t paint you in the most flattering light.

Your turmoil with Bluetooth seems to indicate that this isn’t the first time you’ve been wronged by an AirPod, nor will it be the last. While one method to remedy this conflict you seem to have with wireless headphones would be to simply opt for earbuds of the wired variety, I understand if you aren’t in favour of the vintage look. I will note, however, that Teen Vogue, and other fashion media of their likeness have published a suspicious amount of content glamourizing wired headphones. To serve whose agenda, though, they have yet to disclose. 

My suggestion to you is in reference to how to avoid looking culpable next time you accidentally AUX-up in FSS and play audio of the sexual variety.

Next time, don’t run. Immediately fleeing the scene makes you look highly suspicious, AaA. You are better off loudly stumbling your way through the TikTok For You page, just to really sell the fact that you are definitely not watching porn. 

You could also display your shock, loudly exclaim something alluding to your surprise, and immediately make a wildly accusatory phone call. On this phone call, absolutely drag someone else’s name through the mud. Tell them that the voicemail they left you is obscene and to immediately delete your number. You risk a friend in this instance, sure. It’s better them than your reputation, no?

So, I think you’ve got your options cut out for you: circumvent Bluetooth or take your pick between two forms of deceit.

Good luck!