Dear Di

Dear Di
What is so humbling about icks is that they reduce every person to just some person. Image: Hailey Otten/Fulcrum
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Sowwy not sowwy

Dear Di,

I need to move on from someone quick. Long story short, we started talking and I thought things might get serious. Unfortunately, they told me they aren’t looking for a relationship and just want to be friends. I agreed, but I still have feelings for them. What do I do?

Friends Without Benefits

Dear FWB,

While I’m sorry about your unfortunate circumstance, I’m so glad you asked. I’ve prepared a list precisely for this occasion. If ever anyone needs to get rid of unwanted affection, fear not — I have compiled just a few of my all time favourite icks that will have you questioning whether you’ll even be able to maintain a friendship with them.

Picture this. You’ve shared a lovely romantic evening with this person, they’ve walked you to your front door and, as the night comes to a close, they go in for a kiss goodbye. Except, they have one of those super serious, dead in the face, no light behind the eyes, never known love, capable of murder (probably), void of life about-to-kiss faces. Gosh, I don’t know if everyone has this near-death pre-kiss faces, or if I simply kept my eyes open too long that one time, but I experienced this once and have never been able to forget it. I actually laughed out loud. I couldn’t stop laughing. He was a trooper and tried to kiss me a couple more time but to no avail — I could not stop laughing. We didn’t go on a second date and I can still picture the ick-inducing experience in vivid detail to this day. 

Imagine them in flip flops, their toes out and about for everyone’s viewing displeasure. The image of their feet alone should be enough, but if not, you’re in luck — it gets worse. Imagine that you get into an argument, and they angrily stomp away wearing them. Your ears are forced to endure the tempramental pitter patter of plastic in the distance.

You’re in the passenger seat as they try to parallel park. They claimed that they were really good at it, but, push come to shove, they’re folding. It’s been five minutes. They’re getting frustrated, tearing up, and making excuses. They’re calling their dad to help and now they’re arguing. 

They’re at a club. There’s a circle forming and they’re dying to get in the middle so they can do the worm. Unfortunately, no one will let them in. They keep trying — no luck. They’re just embarrassingly, futilely nudging people and shouting that they can do the worm. No one is interested and, now, neither are you. A close competitor is when they say a joke and no one hears them and they keep repeating it but no one laughs. Brutal. Absolutely brutal.

Some that require no setting of the scene: Them wearing those ribbed jeans — you know the ones, right? Mouth breathers. Them pulling a push door. Holding their hand, only to see an array of dirt under their nails. Them bending over and you see their buttcrack. The use of the word “sowwy.” Running with a backpack on (worse if it’s an empty backpack) in non-athletic clothes. Taking a bath with no bubbles. Them describing themselves as having golden retriever energy. Them filming a thirst trap, not liking it, and setting up their phone to take it again. Them sneezing without covering their nose, or taking off their mask to do it. Having millennial humour and saying things like “I just did a thing,” “doggo,” and “smol bean,” and using self-deprecating “humour” that is merely fishing for compliments.

Listen, the list goes on and on. I think what is so humbling about icks is that they reduce every person to just some person. They’re fair game — someone could just as easily apply them to you or me. It’s our own rose-coloured glasses that gives our crushes untouchable perfection. So, I hope you remember that your crush is just some person, too.