He knows what I did this summer…
I had a boyfriend for two years, but we broke up in the spring (I’m in third year, and we met at the University of Ottawa). I had a crazy summer rebound. I went to a bunch of parties and hooked up with a bunch of random guys. One of my friends said I was in my hoe phase, and TBH, they were right.
I’ve been dating a guy for a couple months and it’s been going really well… until he found my ‘hit list’. I know it’s kind of weird, but I keep a list of all the guys I’ve had sex with. Their names, dates, ranking, that kind of stuff. He found it.
He didn’t know my body count until now. He keeps saying he’s okay with it, but he’s kind of making it a big deal. I feel really bad about it. Some of the hookups were when we were texting a lot, but not dating yet, but I feel like he’s mad about that too.
I feel like such a floozy. Help!
-Good Girl Gone Bad
First and foremost, what you did this summer wasn’t wrong! You’re not a floozy, though I hate using gendered terms like that. Casual sex is normal, and you really shouldn’t feel ashamed. As long as you practiced safe sex, I will never not condone a (consensual, non-cheating) hookup.
I think communication is key here. You need to talk to him about how he feels, and you need to tell him how you feel.
Secondly, what you did before him isn’t really any of his concern. I mean, maybe you two should have been up front about it before you started dating (how many people has he slept with, by the way?). It’s not as if you cheated on him — all of this happened before you two started dating — but there seems to be a bit of confusion about this “talking stage” you were in. I’m of the belief that you aren’t dating until you explicitly say so, but he might have a different view. You should tell him that you felt that you weren’t dating and ask him what he thought was going on between you two during that stage.
I’m hearing a lot of self-shaming here. I don’t know the circumstances of your breakup, but dating someone for two years, especially the first two years of university, is really intense. Deep down, you may be feeling like you’ve missed out on having a lot of fun, which is why you probably went overboard this summer. You were trying to make it up, to fill a void. It seems like you weren’t fulfilled hooking up with random guys. You have a boyfriend for a reason — you’re probably craving that emotional connection.
I do think that documenting all of your hookups is a bit funny, but you do you. I mean, maybe in the future stick to the traditional bedpost notch? That way you have plausible deniability.
You’re probably so worried about what he thinks of you because you care about him. You don’t want him to leave. Tell him this! He’s probably feeling really insecure right now, and he doesn’t know how to express it. Sincerely tell him how much he means to you.