Dear Di
I want to make things more festive in the bedroom this December, but my Santa hat just isn’t enough anymore, so I came up with a new idea I’d like your opinion on. I want to use a candy cane as a dildo and masturbate in front of my boyfriend. My pussy will taste like peppermint afterward. What do you think, Di?
—Minty Fresh
Dear MF,
While I can appreciate your desire to fuck in a festive way, I do not advise you penetrate your pussy with a peppermint stick.
Candy canes are composed mostly of sugar, and unfortunately, playing too closely with the sweet, white granules can make for a very unhappy vagina. Lady love canals are warm and wet and will most definitely cause your makeshift dildo to melt, which means you’ll be unwrapping a yeast or bacterial infection on Christmas morning instead of the multiple orgasms every woman hopes for. Frankly, if you managed to walk away from a candy cane masturbation session infection-free, I’d call it a bona fide Christmas miracle.
Depending on how vigorously you pleasure yourself, you also run the risk of the candy cane breaking inside you.
Still hell-bent on straddling a candy cane, but not interested in having a sticky and sickly vagina? I suggest you ask Santa to put
a candy cane-shaped dildo in your stocking this year. Yes, they do exist! Take a trip to your friendly neighbourhood sex shop and browse their selection. Most candy cane dildos I’ve seen are made of glass and can be warmed up or put in the freezer, depending on your below-the-belt preference.
The faux candy fuck toy won’t leave your lady cave tasting like peppermint, but flavoured lube certainly will. The X-rated stores I frequent are carrying candy cane-flavoured lubricant and condoms for the holiday season.
Although you may not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, I commend your creativity and I’m sure it will pay off in the sack. There’s no doubt this peppermint peep show will leave your man dying to park his partridge in your pear tree.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
My boyfriend is way too quiet in bed. I can’t recall him ever making a single noise during a sex session. I’m loud and proud in the sack and his silence makes me feel like he isn’t enjoying it.
—Talk to Me, Baby
Dear TMB,
So you’ve bagged yourself the infamous mime boyfriend! Been there, fucked that, and I feel your pain.
Donning the Moaning Myrtle cap in bed can be slightly disconcerting when the other person seems to have swapped their lips for a zipper. You could tell yourself your boy is so awed by your sexual prowess he temporarily loses the ability to formulate sounds during sex, or you could sit him down and ask what’s up.
Approach the topic in a light-hearted and casual way to avoid putting your man on the defensive. You’re asking him a question, not critiquing his sexual ability, but it could seem the other way around if you don’t tread lightly.
I suggest you open the conversation by complimenting whatever it is about him that drives you wild. Explain to him your moans of pleasure are a result of his professional pussy-eating skills or awesome anilingus abilities. Mention you hope you make him feel just as good, but you’re not entirely sure because he’s been so quiet.
I have a feeling your guy will tell you he thinks you’re a goddess in bed, but getting loud while getting off just isn’t his style. If my hypothesis is correct, you’ll simply have to decide whether you can accept him as he is or if it’s time to move on to louder pastures.
I’m not usually one to point the finger of blame toward pornography, but I feel X-rated films could be partially culpable here. There seems to be a common trend in erotica for women to scream like banshees in bed while men remain tight-lipped and serious. There’s a possibility your own personal porn star has been negatively influenced by his jerk-off material.
I’ve got nothing against the strong, silent type, but everyone needs a little reassurance in the sack. A message to all you mimes out there: It’s your prerogative to keep mum in bed, but be sure to invent other ways to show your mate just how much you appreciate their bedroom moves.
Love,
Di
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