Dear Di,
Since I broke up with my girlfriend in July, I can’t seem to maintain the same standard of sexual performance with other girls as I did with her. I’ve tried going solo 30 minutes to an hour before, but it doesn’t seem to help. Do you have any suggestions that could improve my stamina?
—Cummin’ to the Finish Line
Dear CFL,
I’m sorry to hear about your summertime sadness with your ex-girl. I wouldn’t worry though—there are many men who can’t conjure up that racehorse stamina. Here are a couple of things that might perk up your performance and have you strong in the sack in no time.
There are a bunch of quick fixes you can try to last longer if you’re in the one-night-stand department, like desensitizing creams for your member or extra-thick condoms to downplay your stimulation.
Thinking more long-term and depending on your level of intimacy with your partner, one of the best ways to keep your cum is to focus on pleasuring your girl; make sure you’re giving her the right amount of pressure how and where she wants it. Foreplay is important at the best of times, but in this case really draw it out. To truly be a tease to both of you, tell her she can stroke your hair, caress your back or chest, but not touch your package. By bringing her to orgasm first with your hands, mouth, or a vibrator, you’ll last longer once you finally do have sex. And when you do begin to seal the deal, change your positions frequently. Positions where you control the speed and depth (think slow and shallow, guy on top) will help you stay in charge. Position changes cause breaks between your stimulation, ultimately slowing you down and helping you last longer.
Perhaps the most unglamorous but tried-and-true method is hitting the gym for your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles. These are the muscles you use to stop yourself from peeing, but they also get a sexual workout by contracting while you orgasm. By doing daily exercises to strengthen these muscles (check my Twitter for some links), you’ll make your O that much more powerful, but it will take you longer to get there.
I hope this helps! It sounds like you might not be totally over your ex, but try not to let your sex life suffer. There’s no reason you can’t keep going—and cumming—long and strong.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I came into university a virgin. I had a boyfriend in high school but we only made out, felt each other up, and he fingered me once—which I thought was kind of weird, to be honest. Recently, I had sex with a guy during frosh week after one of the events. But I totally pretended like I had had sex before, because I was too embarrassed to tell him I was still a virgin. So now my virginity is gone, he isn’t texting me, and I feel really mixed up about it. I mean, I guess I’ve officially reached womanhood and the sex was OK, but I also feel kind of worthless and like I missed out on that special first time or whatever the books always say. I don’t even know if I was good at it or not—I was confused the whole time, but went with it. How many positions are there and how do I go with the flow a little smoother?
—Flummoxed first-timer
Dear FF,
You’re among many a gal who had her first deflowering here at the U of O. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of for admitting to your first time. In fact, some guys really get off on that. There is this perception that virginity is either sacred until marriage or it’s something to be shed like a used condom—as quickly as possible. I don’t agree with either.
Sex means different things to different people, and fostering healthy sexual relationships is just like a good friendship (with some added benefits). It’s up to you to decide how you feel about sex, and one of the best ways is to continue exploring. I encourage you to experiment solo and get a feel for your body. It will help you know what you like and give your confidence in bed a boost. If you’re curious about positions check out the Kama Sutra, which is widely regarded as the (unholy) bible of sex.
Don’t be surprised that the sex was less than stellar. For many girls, the first time doesn’t pack much of a punch, even as your partner moans in pleasure beside you. Those fairytale stories about losing it are pretty rare. Your first-time man might not have even been aware that you were a newbie if you let him take the lead, and you know what? There’s a chance he wasn’t much of a rocket either.
I’m assuming you used protection, but either way I strongly recommend booking an appointment with your physician to look into the many options for contraceptives that will keep you safe if you’re planning on continuing your sexing. It’s also a great time to get a baseline sexual health checkup, just to make sure everything is perfect down there. For your emotional side, which might need a bit of nurturing, choose your confidante. Talk it over with someone you’re truly comfortable with and make sure you’re mentally healthy about sex.
Other than that, relax—the sex only gets better.
Love,
Di
