Dear Di,
I’m in a long-distance relationship, and always find myself crying during sex. Always. When my boyfriend gets to my house after I haven’t seen him for a month or two, I’m overwhelmed with emotions. When we inevitably rip each other’s clothes off within the first 15 minutes of meeting and start doing the deed, my feelings—relief, joy, happiness, and sadness that he’ll be leaving again soon—just tumble around inside me and I end up crying while we’re making love.
My crying doesn’t really take away from my pleasure. Normally tears just stream down my face while we keep going. The first time it definitely freaked him out a bit, but I think he understands where I’m coming from. He normally just repeats “It’s okay. It’s okay.” and wipes my tears away very delicately. The problem is that it happens every single time. It’s been eight months and I know he’s getting frustrated by my crying and the fact that our sex life is so tender all the time because I’m such an emotional person. I really want to try other stuff and new positions besides missionary, but I just feel so overcome by the need to look into his eyes and reconnect after so much time apart. I’ve truly tried to stop crying, Di, but I can’t seem to—it’s almost automatic at this point. How can I hold back my tears during sex?
—Wannabe Non-Weeper
Dear WNW,
I tend to get emails from girls complaining of their bodies acting like the Gobi desert—a far cry from your over-the-top moisture. It’s unfortunate that in your case, the wetness is happening mainly on your face and not staying confined to your panties.
Part of me wants to tell you to just get over it. It sucks that your long-distance loving means you only get to see (and bang) your dude every now and then, but the fact that you’re so in love with him and that you’re both willing to try to make it work despite the kilometres that separate you means you should be happy, not upset! And while crying for joy can be cute every now and then, a tear-stained face is probably not the reaction your man is going for when he mounts you.
My advice is twofold. First of all, instead of having sex immediately when you first see each other after a prolonged amount of time apart, have a conversation. Make dinner together, catch up, let yourself get all those pent-up emotions out and get any blubbering over and done with before you hit the sack. I’m not telling you to be robotic and ignore the way you feel, but try expressing yourself before you get to the banging.
Secondly, when you do start taking your clothes off, focus on the fucking, not your feelings. Try adding in some dirty talk. Describe to him the physical sensations you’re having, not the emotional ones. Agree by text or by phone before he arrives for his visit that you guys will jump into the action doggy style or girl-on-top, then do it. Mixing up your routine will make it easier to break your habit of crying before cumming.
Do you cry throughout the rest of your visit? Do you tear up during all sessions in the sack, or only the first ones of each visit? If the answer is yes to those questions, it might be time to do a little soul-searching and figure out the real reasons you’re getting so upset. Yes, it’s easy to be overcome with emotion when you see someone you love after a long time apart, but it’s not healthy or very much fun to spend entire visits with your eyes red from crying and your nose running; nor do I recommend missing out on hot new sex positions or techniques because you’re too busy staring into each other’s eyes and connecting in such an intimate way. If there’s something deeper going on, be honest with yourself and your guy.
All in all, I say you should put your big-girl panties on and focus on enjoying the present during the time you have with the man who evokes so many awesome feelings inside of you!
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
You never write about really nasty shit anymore. What happened to enlightening students about Cleveland steamers and ear sex? I really miss the good ol’ days when you used to write about disgustingly delicious sex acts. In fact, I used to jerk off to that stuff. Bring back the dirty!
—Missing the Old Ew
Dear MOE,
I answer what the students ask me! If you want to know about a particularly poopy sex move or if you want more information on what you think might be a far-fetched fetish, send me an email! It’s not my job to introduce you to the maddest of bedroom moves, it’s my job to respond to what students want, and remind them that sex always needs to be safe and consensual. Beyond that, it’s up to the students and their concerns to direct this column. I answer whatever lands in my inbox and invite all to ask away, no matter how freaky they think their questions or preferences are.
You should also be checking out my online column. I’ve answered some especially out-there questions on the interwebz, so if you can hold off from immediately clicking play on your favourite porn vid—which I have a feeling might just be 2 Girls 1 Cup—you can read a few more of my answers to the craziest of questions.
Love,
Di
