Dear Di,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and the sex we have hasn’t exactly been fulfilling. It’s been okay, but I want to improve our sex lives so that we both feel that we’re on cloud nine. I’m not sure where to start since the subject can be a rather delicate one. How do I communicate that I want more from my partner in bed without hurting his feelings?
-Lackluster Lois
Dear LL,
It’s okay to want more from your sex life—in fact, it’s actually a good thing to recognize that you’re not being sexually fulfilled. This means that you can actively take steps to maximize your sex life rather than settle for simply adequate love-making.
However, you’re right that it can be a difficult subject to discuss.
First, I would figure out what exactly you want to experience during sex. What are your desires and fantasies? What would make sex fulfilling for you? What are some things you’ve always wanted to try? And you don’t need a long list—you can just start with one single thing that you’ve always wanted but never communicated.
Let’s say you’ve always wanted to be tied up. You can buy some rope and surprise your partner with the purchase. Discuss the idea of being tied up and how it’s something that you’ve always wanted to try. From there, you can slowly introduced more and more novel things you’ve always wanted to do in the bedroom.
If your partner doesn’t seem receptive to these kinds of ideas, you probably need to communicate how you feel about your sex more plainly. Just be frank about the fact that you think sex has become a routine, or that you’re not having as many orgasms as you’d like (remember to use “I” phrases).
Rather than blame your partner, try discussing what the problem is for you and what you’d think could improve how you’re feeling (i.e using a vibrator to help you get off). Remember, great sex doesn’t come easy—you need to work at it with your partner. But once you get there, all your hard work will pay off, trust me.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I’ve started seeing someone recently, and we just had the whole “sexual history” talk. I’m a little intimidated by the amount of partners and experiences she’s had, and the idea that I’m being compared to others makes me really self-conscious, especially during our more intimate moments. Should I talk to her about my anxieties?
-Anxious Andy
Dear AA,
A lot of people have some anxieties when beginning a new sexual relationship, and these feelings are completely normal. They can be particularly prominent when you’ve had fewer experiences between the sheets than your partner has. But having a sexual partner who’s been around the block more than a few times does have an upside—they can show you the ropes!
It’s always a good idea to communicate how you’re feeling to your partner, and share what makes you anxious. Once you disclose your insecurities about sex, your partner will likely reassure you that you have nothing to worry about—and this experience will only bring you closer. Staying open about how you’re feeling will likely lessen your anxiety during intercourse, which will let you relax and enjoy the moment.
You’re now in the process of writing your own sexual history with your new partner—don’t let partners of the past intrude on your erotic experiences in the present.
Love,
Di
Fun sex facts
1. For an average healthy male, 300 million sperm can be found in one teaspoon of semen.
2. The average person will spend 20,160 minutes (two weeks) kissing in their life time.
3. According to Glamour magazine, shoe and foot fetishes are the most common sexual fetish in the Western world.
