I don’t know what about the recent cold weather has gotten a bunch of you hot and bothered, but lately I’ve been bombarded with a number of emails and messages asking me about nude pictures. I’ve been asked how to go about taking flattering nude photos, how to email them safely, and how to ensure there will be no regrets after hitting the send button. So, dear readers, here’s my how-to guide on nudies. Good luck going bare!
Taking the picture
1. Groom beforehand. There’s nothing worse than taking the first snap only to realize you hate the way your pubes are looking. You want to be relaxed and confident during your nude photo shoot, so take care of any waxing, trimming, or shaving the day before.
2. Clean your room beforehand. There’s nothing like an empty bag of Doritos and your dog’s chew toy in the background of a nude picture to take it from gorgeous to gross.
3. Plan to use natural sunlight or soft lamplight. Trust me.
4. Get a tripod. An arm extended above your arm does not provide for a sexy angle, despite what MySpace would have you believe. Similarly, crotch shots aren’t appealing to 99.9 per cent of the population. At the very least, stack up your textbooks and put your camera on top of them. Using the self-timer mode will put a little bit of pressure on you to get into position, but the best pictures are always the spontaneous ones—this will work to your advantage.
5. Have fun! Try different poses to see what you like best. Avoid super zoomed close ups of your genitals. Include some “coy” shots that show almost but not-quite-everything.
What to do with your photos
1. Have a plan for storing your shots. I suggest keeping a USB in a bright colour. Transfer your pictures onto it, then delete all other copies—on your camera and your computer. Then, never accidently lend your USB to a roommate or parent. Ever.
2. Decide whether or not to include your head. Reasons to keep your face in the shoot include the fact that a body with the head cropped out—even a very sexy body—still looks a little weird. Your eyes are what will oftentimes make the shot erotic. On the other hand, removing your face will make for a much less embarrassing experience if the pics get leaked. If you ever become famous, your ex won’t be able to sell the nudes if your face isn’t on ‘em.
3. If you are going to email or text the picture to anyone—anyone at all—don’t fool yourself into believing there’s no chance they’ll wind up all over the Internet. It sucks, but it’s true. You can hope for the best, but if you’re really uncomfortable with the idea that your pictures could end up in the hands of your future bosses and in-laws, it’s best just to skip out on sending them.
4. If you decide to go for it—there is some fun in the risk, after all—just be sure to send the pictures to someone you trust!
You don’t necessarily need to send naked pictures to get a thrill or to turn a partner on. Sending dirty texts is much safer. You can get explicit about what you want the other person to do to you without worry of much retribution—so long as you’re not a married governor texting a much younger woman, of course. You can also send pictures of a strip tease. Start with a pic of your pants, then your shirt, then your undergarments. No need to include yourself in any of the shots, just let your honey know you’re naked and waiting.