Dear Di,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now (since freshman year), but it hasn’t exactly been what I envisioned my first relationship to be. My boyfriend doesn’t believe in monogamy and has convinced me to agree to an “open relationship”. The thing is, I embraced this open relationship wholeheartedly and have been with a number of men since we started dating, but it seems to have put a rift in our relationship. He gets very moody and annoyed if he sees me texting other guys. This was his idea in the first place, yet I haven’t noticed him with any other women! What should I do?
-Free-for-All
Dear FFA,
I think it’s definitely time to have a conversation with your boyfriend. Although it was his idea to initiate this new path in your relationship, it’s important to understand his side of the story. There’s nothing wrong with being in an open arrangement, and some couples swear by them, but they aren’t for everyone. You may need to ask yourself why you’re in this arrangement to begin with, and then re-establish this with your partner.
Establishing boundaries and rules is a key ingredient in making open relationships work. It could be that your boyfriend doesn’t mind your “extra-curricular” adventures, so long as he doesn’t see or hear about them. Having a conversation about potential tricky scenarios is also important. For example, you should discuss what happens if you, say, develop feelings for another man.
Unfortunately, many couples rush into open relationships without considering or discussing these kinds of rules. And that may be fine for some couples, but for others it leads to a lot of mixed and hurt feelings toward your partner, which can ultimately result in your relationship falling apart.
Finally, though this may sound trite, make sure this is something you and your partner really want to do. It’s possible that your boyfriend thought this might be what you wanted, since you were both in your “wild” and “adventurous” stage when you started dating in first year.
Just remember, open relationships can be the best thing to happen to you and your partner, or it can really put a nasty dent in your partnership if you both aren’t on the same page.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I’ve recently begun a relationship with a wonderful woman even though I have only been with men previously. This really intimidates me, since I’m a little lost navigating a female body. In bed, I’m always self-conscious that I’m not pleasing her, as I have yet to make her cum. Is it normal to experience this much anxiety?
-Becumming Anxious
Dear BA,
Many people experience performance anxiety whether it’s with a man or a woman, which is partly due to the socialized emphasis on orgasms rather than sexual pleasure. Just because you haven’t made your partner cum yet, doesn’t mean she isn’t deriving loads of pleasure from your time together between the sheets.
Orgasms for woman are a lot more than just physical stimulation, they are psychological. That holy climax might have eluded her so far because she isn’t ready to feel that vulnerable with you, and that’s okay too. Some things come (pun intended) with the development of the relationship over time.
Whenever you’re in doubt you can always bluntly ask your partner if you’re “hitting the spot”. Asking in a matter of fact manner can really kill the mood though, so try to incorporate it into your dirty talk and you can always debrief in the afterglow.
Really, as with most issues that relate to sex, it comes down to communication. Let your partner know about your anxieties, as she may share some of the same concerns about being with a new partner. Hopefully you can team up on figuring out each others’ bodies together.
Love,
Di
The health benefits of an orgasm
1. It lowers a woman’s risk of heart disease, stroke, breast cancer, and even depression.
2. It relieves stress.
3. It’s a basic cure for insomnia.
4. It releases endorphins that increase your pain tolerance.
5. It keeps your brain sharp and focused. So be sure to pencil in some hanky panky time during exams.
