Dear Ty

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Our resident sex columnist spreads a little cheer

I THINK IT’S safe to say Old Saint Nick won’t be visiting me this Christmas Eve. I’ve been naughty this year—in countless different positions, three provinces, and with more than a few partners.  Santa won’t be leaving any presents under my tree, but I do have high hopes I’ll find a rather large gift under someone’s boxer briefs this holiday season.

I love going home for the holidays. Getting the entire extended family together and bonding over glasses of spiked eggnog is fantastic, but it can be difficult to maintain your usual level of sexual activity when your grandparents are sleeping in the room across the hall and your little, untamed cousins threaten to burst through your bedroom door at any time.

So, what’s a sexually active student to do? How can we get it on under our families’ noses without compromising the perfect virginal persona we all undoubtedly present to the people who share our last name?

My first piece of advice may seem obvious, but I’ve heard many a horror story from friends who neglected this golden rule of hometown boning: Lock your door! Door doesn’t have a lock? Jam a chair under the knob. Do whatever it takes to keep familial intruders out. They may know what you’re up to in there, but at least they won’t have the scarring image of you dressed as a naughty elf mounting your partner seared into their memories.

When I’m fucking a man who’s more hung than a stocking, I find it extremely difficult to keep my moaning to a minimum. If you’re a screamer like I am, I suggest you take advantage of Christmas music—crank those carols and get busy. Grandma will smile fondly when she walks by your bedroom door and hears the melodious strains of Céline Dion singing “Oh Holy Night”—little does grandma know, Céline isn’t the only one wailing away behind that wall!

One of the most effective ways to scare off a family member while you’re sexing is incredibly simple. If someone comes a-knocking, stop mid-pelvic thrust, catch your breath, and tell the person outside the door you’re wrapping presents and need privacy. No one messes with present wrapping!

Perhaps my favourite way to have sex while staying with my parents is in the shower. Admittedly, pulling off shower sex will require a little planning and probably isn’t the best idea if your house only has one bathroom, but if executed successfully, it’s oh-so exciting. Doing it in the bathroom affords you guaranteed privacy, the noise of the water will drown out your moans, and the evidence of the deed will go right down the drain. Just remember to be very stealthy when exiting the scene of the crime.

I wish you the best of luck as you hump your ways through the holidays and hope you all have a happy, safe, and sexy New Year’s!