Dear Ty

Dear Di,

I read Fifty Shades of Grey this summer. I’m embarrassed, kinda, but I’m also pretty curious. I’ve never considered the whole dominant/submissive dynamic, but after reading about all the orgasms the characters were having, I’d like to try it. I have a couple questions though. Do I need to make a slave contract like they do in the book? And can I, the girl, be the dominant one with the guy being submissive?

—Anastasia/Christian Wannabe

Dear ACW,

Nothing to be embarrassed about; you have every right to enjoy any type of erotica—brutal literary style and unrealistic expectations aside. Seriously though, Fifty Shades of Grey was entertaining and can be quite a turn-on when you appreciate it as fiction.

However, the first myth I need to bust here is that you will automatically start having simultaneous orgasms as soon as you start incorporating kinky power play into your bedroom activities. Orgasms galore as promised by the book is by no means a guarantee, so don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting that you and your guy will start euphorically breaking through the latex ceiling at the same time.

That being said, if the idea turns you on, it’s definitely worth it to do a little exploration of the world of BDSM. You don’t need a contract to get into it. However, a contract can be a healthy addition to a sexual relationship, because it involves negotiation and setting boundaries. It’s important to talk about what you and your lover do and don’t want to do, ideally before the experience gets started. A contract is one way to do this, but an honest conversation is more than enough. Set up a safe word, have a good idea of what y’all want before the action starts, and feel free to re-evaluate and change your mind if things ever get uncomfortable.

To answer the second part of your question, you can absolutely be the dominant player, with your partner taking the submissive job. Some people like only one role and won’t venture to the other, while some people like to switch it up on a regular basis! If your partner’s down to become your plaything, there’s something truly erotic about being in charge. Being the boss bitch and making your man tremble in pleasure definitely gives you a buzz. Don’t dismiss playing the part of the submissive, though. Occasionally being tied up and made to moan can be magnificent. As always, be safe and don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Love,
Di