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A Dear Di guide to making body parts and bodily fluids taste great

Illustration: Nicole Rutkowski, Edits: Kim Wiens.

Sweet. Tasty. Delicious. Moist. Are we talking about food? No, we’re actually talking about semen and vaginas and how you can make yours taste just a little yummier.

Ladies, you’re up first.

Vaginas have a history of being shamed, since we’ve all heard the fishy folklore about what these lady parts taste like. So let’s debunk the myths and stick to the straight facts about this issue.

The taste of a women’s vagina depends on a number of factors, including arousal, diet, and sweat. Vaginas are naturally acidic and can therefore have an almost metallic taste, and odour.

But there are a number of things that can make your vagina taste not so fresh. These include smoking, which gives your vagina “ashtray breath”, and alcohol which alters your vaginal flavour, and not in a good “aged bottle of wine” kind of way. Spices, onions, garlic, red meat, diary, asparagus, and broccoli can also have some not-so-yummy effects on your vaginal palate.

What should you eat if you plan on getting lucky later? Well, eating foods like pineapples, kiwis, blueberries, mangoes, green tea, cucumbers, parsley, and fruit salad will make your vagina taste like a sugary tropical paradise.

Gentlemen, let’s talk semen.

Semen taste is usually described by women as being slightly salty and warm, but depending on your diet it can be saltier or quite bitter.

Staying hydrated is important in improving the flavour of your spunk, since semen fluid is composed mostly of water. Not only will it help rinse out your toxins, but it’ll actually increase the volume of your semen. Yum yum.

What will make your semen taste like milky goodness? Cinnamon! What women wouldn’t love the taste of a sweet, sticky cinnamon bun in her mouth? So try to incorporate it into everyday meals.

Other semen-friendly foods include wheatgrass, lemons, pineapples, parsley, peppermint, plums, kiwi, blueberries, and basically any foods that are naturally rich in sugar are going to make you sweeter.

Thinking of going for a coffee date before you get it in? Think again. Caffeine makes your semen taste bitter, and no-one likes a bitter after taste. You should also avoid red meats which make your semen saltier.

For both men and women looking to cultivate a tasty natural palate, keeping yourself healthy is a good rule of thumb.  Not only will you perform better, but it’ll make you taste better.

With these tips in mind, you’ll be well on your way to being your most delicious self.

Bon appétit!