Humour

In a continuing effort to make the nation’s adult entertainment as bland and frigid as possible, British lawmakers have decided to forbid the act of touching in U.K. produced pornography.

Now, porn actors are expected to simulate intercourse through miming certain sex acts, such as air humping and pantomime fellatio or cunnilingus.

According to some members of British parliament, this is a much safer alternative to actual physical lovemaking.

“When two people start to touch each other in a dirty picture, it sends the wrong kind of message,” said conservative MP Cecile McTavish. “Everyone knows that all forms of physical contact eventually lead to violence. Why propagate that kind of message in a piece of so-called ‘erotic entertainment?’”

The new laws come on the heels of similar British legislation that was enacted in December, which effectively banned the filming of a number of sex acts such as spanking, strangulation, fisting, and face-sitting. The no-touching policy was designed to correct the shortsighted nature of these original amendments.

“We quickly realized that the act of banning arbitrary and subjective sex acts like aggressive whipping would be a real pain in the neck to enforce from a logistic point of view,” said Lionel Featherbottom, head of the U.K. censorship board. “So we simply decided to outlaw touching altogether. That should make our jobs a whole lot easier.”

The British pornography community has reacted to this news with wide-spread outrage, believing this latest stipulation will negatively affect home video sales and make it more difficult for performers to do their job.

This kind of sentiment is championed by influential figures in the industry like “Union” Jack Hammer, the charismatic star of popular adult films such as Tally Hoes 1, 3, and 7.

“This new law is absurd because it expects us, as performers, to use our imaginations to simulate eroticism,” said Hammer. “The only problem is that we’re in the pornography game and you’re not expected to leave anything to the imagination in this business.”

To combat what he views as an unjust law, Hammer has decided to write, produce, direct, and star in a series of films that aims to exploit the loose language of the legislation.

“This no-touching law very specifically forbids skin-on-skin contact, but what’s to stop us from wrapping ourselves in latex and going to town on each other?” Hammer said during a Q&A exchange with fans on Reddit. “Hopefully, my upcoming project Body Condom Bonanza will become successful enough to establish itself as a legitimate porn sub-genre.”

Hammer reportedly got this idea from reading about the body condom craze that is sweeping the U of O campus.

Amid all this nationwide controversy, Prime Minister David Cameron finally decided to break his silence on Wednesday.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” he said in an afternoon press conference. “To the best of my knowledge, all of my friends and colleagues haven’t touched their wives in years.”