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US streaming service sought after by TV-starved Canucks

Original image: Bazonka, CC, wikicommons. Edits: Marta Kierkus

According to the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA), roughly 17,000 Canadians are due to immigrate to the United States in pursuit of the mythical American Netflix.

The CBSA is overwhelmed with massive amounts of requests, but the agency has remained sympathetic toward any Canuck looking to cross the border.

“Most of these citizens want nothing more than a cold beer and a large selection of Netflix movies at the end of a tiresome working day,” said Luc Portelance, president of CBSA, in a phone interview with the Tomato. “That’s something we’re willing to provide.”

On Monday, nearly 8,000 Canadian Netflix enthusiasts congregated by Niagara Falls to join the massive immigration wave. This group of Netflix immigrants were led by Anthony Chan, who rallied supporters through clever and persuasive posts on Reddit.

“Canadian Netflix has been a source of frustration for many Canucks, since it only contains small, redundant selections of outdated movies and TV shows,” said Chan, addressing his followers at the commencement of their mass migration. “We are tired of being oppressed. This chronic Netflix deprivation is a threat to our basic rights according to the Charter of Human Rights and Freedoms.”

He later went on to say: “There needs to be a change, and change begins in each of us. If American Netflix can’t cross the border, we will.”

When asked why he and his followers couldn’t simply follow instructions to download the streaming service online, Chan said that streaming American Netflix illegally has become increasingly difficult.

“Obtaining American Netflix in this country is not an option, as way too many pirating websites have been taken over by Internet trolls and anti-piracy organizations,” he said. “This crusade is to show the world that uprooting our lives and travelling to the United States is way easier than obtaining American Netflix in Canada.”

Chan’s group of 8,000 migrants, ardent in their cause, crossed Niagara Falls in barrels by twos.

It’s unclear whether the group survived the expedition.

In lieu of this mass exodus, Members of Parliament are attempting to lure back these migrating Canadians with the promise of improved Netflix programming.

“After consulting with the chair of the CRTC, I’m proud to announce that Canadian Netflix will now be featuring the most current and up-to-date programming on the market,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper during a Monday session of Question Period.

“Starting Wednesday, I hear that the third season of the original Dallas will be available to all. What a treat! I hear that ‘Who shot J.R.’ mystery is a real doozy.”