Humour

Santa Claus arrested for identity fraud, may face further charges

 Illustration: Brennan Bova

An Interpol investigation has led to the arrest of the figure known as Santa Claus, who is now facing charges related to identity fraud, among others.

“The suspect, known as Santa Claus, has been travelling around the world under multiple passports and identities for hundreds of years,” said Interpol spokesperson John Smithson. “A joint security taskforce was formed to find him and bring him in for questioning.”

Some of Claus’ known aliases include Kris Kringle, Père Noël, Babbo Natale, and Kerstman.

These charges were originally lodged by the Canadian Border Security Agency (CBSA), which has been observing Claus’ strange travel habits for some time.

“Originally, we were very concerned about Claus’ habit of travelling via reindeer,” said CBSA spokesperson Jane Doson. “In a global village, we need guarantees that those reindeer aren’t importing any nasty diseases. We’d like to see a health certificate to that effect. Not even Santa gets special treatment at our borders.”

Interpol’s investigation quickly widened when questions were raised about Claus’ nationality, since he does not currently re-side in any recognized nation state.

Claus was arrested quietly at his workshop on Monday. He has been formally charged with identity fraud and travelling under false passports.

After going through his electronic records, police have also found millions of surveillance photos of children from around the world.

“He’s got these two massive files labelled Naughty and Nice,” said one investigator. “We’re looking into whether any laws have been broken, but we’re pretty disturbed by what we’ve found. I’d say Santa is screwed.”

Interpol said the investigation is progressing, and that Claus may face additional charges related to breaking and entering due to his penchant for distributing gifts in an unorthodox fashion.

Claus may also face heavy fines for avoiding import duties.

“If he’s crossing international borders with gifts, he has to pay the duties. No exceptions,” said Doson.

Shortly after he was arrested, Claus’ bail was posted by his neighbour, who goes only by the Abominable Snowman.

“If Interpol is going to start arresting mythical people and creatures, I kind of figure I’m next,” Snowman said from his home in the North Pole. “We figures of folk lore gotta stick together.”

So far, Claus has refused to comment on the charges laid against him and any attempt to reach him at his personal residence has failed. The only information the Tomato managed to gather was gleaned from an automated recording at his toy factory:

“Due to the events of the last week, toy production is slightly behind. We appreciate your support and are confident that we will be back on track in time to distribute joy in colourfully wrapped packages this holiday season. Ho ho ho.”