The Tomato

Seasonal hits provoking madness. Photo: CC, Flickr, Caribb.
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Rideau Centre plays holiday music way too early

After numerous tips from patrons, the Tomato has decided to investigate claims that, on Nov. 1, the Rideau Centre started playing Christmas music, and there seems to be no end in sight.

“I honestly didn’t believe it at first,” claimed one shopper, Donna Gerrard.

“I was standing in line at Nordstrom, when I thought I heard the faintest sound of sleigh bells. I thought I was going crazy, after all, it is only November. But when I stepped into the concourse, I realized they were blaring Jingle Bells through the speakers!”

Patrons have been minorly inconvenienced at most, with some claiming it makes them spend more, motivating them to start their gift shopping. The population this has most affected are the employees.

“I’m just really confused as to which display to put out, Halloween just happened , didn’t it?” asked Simon’s employee, Simone Simmons. “Should I just start on Christmas? Heck, why don’t I just put out the Valentine’s day stuff while I’m at it? If I have to hear “Deck the Halls” one more time, I’ll be decking someone’s halls alright.

It seems the seasonal hits have been provoking insanity in employees and some patrons of the mall, with employees wandering the concourse with ugly seasonal sweaters in hand, mumbling about the upcoming Christmas party and claiming they need to prepare for boxing day. One patron was detained for sitting on an elderly man’s lap and asking for his SFUO presidential position back.

There has also been confusion as to where this music is coming from, as no radio stations as of the time of this publication have started playing Christmas music.

After speaking with management at the mall, the Tomato was  able to learn that the true culprit, one Santana Kloss, a custodian at the mall and Christmas enthusiast, has locked themselves into the PA system room and refuses to leave until after Christmas is done. They’ve been surviving on milk and cookies.