The Tomato

Rivera was CA for 90U’s second floor. Photo: CC, wikicommons, Jeangagnon.
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Upper-year exploits first years’ shawarma dependence for manual labour

Ottawa Police were called to investigate following the development of a sinkhole in the Residential Complex parking lot. The investigation led to the arrest of Lydia Rivera, a third-year Arts student and Community Advisor for 90 University Private (90U). Rivera has been charged with mischief relating to private property, and child endangerment.

It has since been revealed that Rivera commissioned her second-floor residents to dig an underground tunnel to Hamelin, which intersected the secret tunnel leading from the LRT to the SFUO office. This ultimately led to the sinkhole. Thankfully, no one was harmed in the tunnel’s collapse.

It appears Rivera, like many of her first-year residents, was ill-prepared for cold weather and wanted to minimize time spent in the cold. Digging an underground tunnel to Hamelin, which was where most of her courses took place, was the only logical solution.

Upon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”

Julia Paternoster, one of the 90U residents commissioned by Rivera, explained that workers were paid in shawarma and flex dollars. “I’m a sucker for that garlic sauce, but I can never justify going out and buying shawarma, since I have a meal plan, so this arrangement was alright with me.”’

“We had to use plastic forks that she took from that Bento Sushi place in the University Centre.” explains Norton Huxley, another 90U resident, “All the excess dirt was shovelled into Dylan O’Rourke’s kitchen, he’s notoriously messy anyway, so we didn’t think he’d notice.”

Patricia Albright, who was present when the tunnel caved in, explained the harrowing scene to the Tomato in an exclusive interview. “One moment we were digging away singing Hamilton, the next thing you know, the ceiling caves in and I could see that hot dog shed that no one ever goes to.”

Rivera’s case is set to be heard in court in the New Year. Until then her position as CA has been suspended by the university, but she still remains in her room, which makes it awkward for everyone.