The Tomato

Turns out the SFUO is to blame for the tornado on Sept. 21. Photo: Rame Abdulkader.
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Bribed engineering students behind the Tornadorator 3000

This world has produced some great schemers, Blair Waldorf, our moms when they try to make us eat vegetables, and recently, the SFUO. They are, for lack of a better word, absolutely brilliant. The Tomato recently investigated the LRT scandal (wherein it was revealed the construction is just workers making noise), and it seems after further investigation that the LRT has actually been serving as a cover for something far more sinister. The SFUO has been constructing a tornado machine to distract from their scandals, and used it for the first time on Sept. 21.

Although it may sound silly to some, the Tomato has connected the dots. “Construction” on the LRT Confederation Line began in 2013, with the first of the major SFUO controversies following soon after in 2014. The SFUO has been saving the machine as a back-up plan, in case they need a major distraction, and it seems the need had arisen.

The Tomato’s dedicated investigative team of journalists intended to find out the truth and so  began their trek to the LRT construction site. There, they found a deep labyrinth of tunnels that extended off the LRT and followed along the path. What they found may leave readers’ heads—wait for it—spinning.

Covering the walls of the tunnel were elaborate schematics of what the Tomato would soon find out is the Tornadorator 3000. In the corner, a small group of engineering student were hunched over scribbling designs; UberEats Mcdonald bags littered the floor.

“They said we would finally get the funding for our Hack-A-Thon if we helped them,” explained one third-year student. As the team conversed with the engineers, they heard footsteps and saw fear shoot up in the students’ eyes. Thankfully, the team was able to hide.

A mask was covering the face of this person, but they had on a pair of Louis Vuitton shoes, and Audi car keys hung from their belt loop.

Once the coast was clear, the team continued down the path. Along the floor were receipts from J’aime Coiffure. At the end of the tunnel was a large blue door. Behind the door, they saw a maniacal figure laughing over a panel of flashy buttons. The tunnels had led them straight to the SFUO offices.

Recorders were able to pick up the following exchange: “The Tornadorator 3000 is just the beginning, what we have in store will ensure that no one has time to focus on the SFUO again. Also, did you book my hair appointment for next month?” the figure asked his lackey.

All of a sudden another masked person rushed into the room. “Your greatness,” the female voice said, “The university has cut ties with us! What are we going to do? I already booked the matching Teslas, we can’t afford to lose the safety deposit.”

The masked figure with the fancy shoes ripped off their mask in frustration, to reveal none other than Richie Lachic. “GET THOSE ENGINEERS IN HERE! THE TORNADORATOR 3000 DIDN’T WORK! WE NEED A NEW PLAN!” he exclaimed angrily.

One of his comrades replied, “Sire, if a tornado didn’t work, maybe a particle accelerator explosion might do the trick.”

“But we don’t have any money left to buy off the LRT workers,” added another worker. “Maybe if you cancelled your order for the new Balenciaga—”

“SILENCE!” said Lachic. “Don’t suggest such absurd things! We can set up a Patreon account, but no one messes with my Balenciaga’s!”

A tornado to distract from all the controversy? Genius. Simply genius.