The Tomato

Illustration: Christine Wang.
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Locals share hope and concern for new life in the maritimes

In a surprise announcement, Statistics Canada revealed that the province with the fastest-growing immigration rate is Prince Edward Island. The influx of immigrants has lead to speculation about why they’re choosing PEI, as well as some concerns about the island’s geography from the locals.

“The provincial government has been happy with the results of what they’re calling the “Anne of Green Gables bait and switch,” explained Janet Storm, PEI’s head of tourism. “We really played up the Anne of Green Gables connection to get people here. Once they’re on the island we conveniently cancel all ferries and block the bridge to New Brunswick.”

The program is expected to produce two million Anne adherents, or “immigrants” on the island by the year 2030. The long term goal is to move the entire population of Canada to PEI, in order to create a country in the model of Anne.

“I was pretty sure this was just the mainland, I didn’t even know it was an island,” said Brooke Phish, a tourist from California. “I guess this is my life now, the life Anne wants for me.” Phish has given up hope of seeing her family again, or making it off the island.

In response to similar claims from other “immigrants,” Storm expressed that citizens have no reason to worry. “Why would anyone want to leave here? Anne provides everything you could ever need.” This claim was backed up by the menacing statue of Anne looming over her, as well as the countless posters of Anne scattered around the island.

While the program has successfully increased “immigration” rates, the rising population has locals questioning the island’s structural integrity. “I’m a little concerned of what Anne would think if we let the island sink into the ocean,” said potato farmer Raghad Graham. “Those waves are already coming right up to the beach, and between the weight of the new people and this year’s potato crop, who knows how long we can stay floating.”

One of the more controversial aspects of the program, even more than the towering statues of Anne in every public square, is the mandatory hair dyeing that every “immigrant” has to undergo in order to gain citizenship. While the bright ginger hair hasn’t been popular among newcomers, the government’s decision to outlaw all fast food restaurants except for Wendy’s is another point of contention.

“We just felt that Wendy’s better represents the values of Anne,” commented Storm. “I just want the wider Canadian population to know that Anne’s arms are always open, as are the borders of PEI, at least for entrance.”