The Tomato

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Switches focus to Formula One training instead

Photo: Rémi Yuan

At a press conference that angered many but shocked absolutely no one, OC Transpo’s senior management team announced that Ottawa’s public transit service would be doing away with bus schedules altogether.

“Citizens of Ottawa, you have spoken, and we have listened,” said OC Transpo’s general manager. “In light of chronic complaints about our buses never arriving on time, we have decided to eliminate the source of the confusion and get rid of our bus scheduling system altogether.”

“Wait, we still have those?” asked one confused driver. “I thought we just kind of drove around aimlessly.”

Frustrations with OC Transpo manifested in a recent viral video that features what’s supposed to be an OC Transpo employee mocking commuters and laughing about the service’s disarray.

“What people don’t realize is that was a real interview,” said Pablo Garcia, the interviewee in the video and a logistics officer at OC Transpo. “It wasn’t a joke. I still think it’s hilarious.”

Now that they don’t have to worry about the logistics of scheduling bus arrivals, OC Transpo stated that it will be switching its focus to providing more training for aspiring professional race car drivers.

It’s fitting, since the transit service has always made it a requirement for commuters to sign a waiver with the purchase of a fare, due to the reckless driving of their employees.

“Most of our bus drivers are actually Formula One racers in training,” said OC Transpo’s director of human resources. “In the interests of the City of Ottawa, we have been seeking to eliminate the service’s budget issues by having drivers compete for prize money at the Montreal Grand Prix, Indianapolis 500, and Le Mans in France.”

For some drivers, this transition away from traditional bus scheduling is for the best, since the daily grind of picking up and dropping off commuters at a set time is detrimental to their training.

“It completely ruins the immersion of the experience,” said one bus driver. “There are only so many times you can pretend you’re at a pit stop.”

The driver says he at least tries to have a bit of fun on the job.

“When I make the right turn from Mackenzie King into Laurier Station by the Desmarais building, I always try to slide in with a sick drift. It’s hella cool when I can pull it off. It’s kind of hard to do without pulling the e-brake, so sometimes I just focus on trying to make as many commuters fly out of their seats as possible.”

Despite all the changes and cutbacks, OC Transpo management said the company is still running a deficit for the fiscal year. As such, the public transport service will have to increase its fares yet again in the coming months.