Glorious and Eternal Leader Trudeau claims the throne for himself
While the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mindset has yet to be fully embraced by the left in Canada, our current Liberal government is latching onto that mantra after it was announced that all elections will soon be scrapped.
With the debate over electoral reform still raging, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—henceforth retitled “Glorious and Eternal Leader of Canada”—quietly passed legislation on Monday, ending all subsequent elections.
In the place of this outdated democratic system, the former prime minister has installed himself as leader until his death or when his oldest son, Xavier James, can fill the role.
“The people have spoken,” said Glorious and Eternal Leader Trudeau in a statement to the press. “And this obviously isn’t what they want, which is what makes it so fun.”
The inaugural minister of democratic—er, imperial—institutions, Garina Kould, said at a recent press conference that very little would actually change.
“Until we ditch the monarchy our Glorious Leader’s power is limited,” she explained. “But the Queen will kick the bucket soon enough, and then we can become a true absolute monarchy, just like Sir John A. intended.”
“The ‘Glorious Leader’ stuff is a little outrageous,” she added. “I don’t see anything wrong with a good ‘Emperor’ title. Worked fine for Rome or France, am I right?”
The Glorious Leader, for his part, came up with some good reasons for his latest power grab, citing “the threat of white nationalist chipmunks” and the fears that proportional representation voting would lead to “alt-right parties mucking things up.”
This move was met with resistance from members of rival political parties, or whatever remains of the opposition now that Trudeau is making his move towards absolutism.
The New Democratic Party (NDP) lobbied criticism at him during Question Period on Monday, saying that this move would not support diversity in government and would not reflect the needs of the country.
“When will you admit that you’re just looking for the easiest way to stay in power?” said NDP representative Cathan Nullen during the final democratically run House session. “The people don’t want this! You’re mad with power!”
Nullen could not be reached for further comment following Question Period. A spokesperson said he was “doing work up in the Arctic tundra now, but should only be gone for ten years to indefinitely.”
Recently, a Liberal backbencher spilled the beans about the Machiavellian schemes at play inside Parliament.
“Everyone was saying Trudeau was only scrapping electoral reform to remain in power. So he decided to cut the veneer of working for the people, and just assumed power.”
Resistance has also been strong from the Bloc Québécois, who were allegedly seen summoning the ghost of Maximilien Robespierre (though who really knows what goes on in those back benches?), and amassing a greater-than-normal number of guillotines at the Ontario-Quebec border.
Glorious Leader Trudeau has said that people will still be able to get involved in politics under this new monarchist system of government.
“I’ll need a couple feudal lords to watch over the peasants,” he said in an address, “Plus, there’s always municipal politics to consider.”
There’s no word yet on how this will affect provincial politics. But there has been a growing trend of armed militias swearing fealty to the Wildrose Party in Alberta, so we’ll just have to wait and see.
