The Tomato

Which vegetable is next? Photo: CC, pexels, Chan Walrus.

Toddlers at Health Canada responsible for recalls

In recent weeks, Eastern Canada has been suffering from E. Coli and Salmonella outbreaks. Health Canada has advised the public to avoid eating romaine lettuce and cucumbers as these have been deemed to be the culprits responsible. As a result, there have been recalls for romaine lettuce across Ontario, Quebec, and New Brunswick, while infected cucumbers have affected Western Canada. Health Canada has assured people to “romaine calm” as the recalls extend into its third month.

This situation has left many Canadians wondering what food will be next and why vegetables seem to be the target. A recent undercover Tomato report has established that individuals at Health Canada just don’t want to eat their vegetables. It seems Health Canada is being run by toddlers. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors involved.

Director “Jerry Salad” states he knew something was up when, “The interns kept getting younger and younger, we were hiring them fresh out of university, and then before they graduated, and then high school, finally we somehow ended up hiring straight out of preschools? Instead of standing desks, we have pack-n-plays.”

“Baby Jane” had been enjoying breast milk and treats until her parents started the audacious act of giving her vegetable purees. Right there and then Jane decided to go on her vegetable vendetta. Starting at Health Canada in her terrible twos, she was the youngest civil servant in the government. Jane was able to work her way up the organization’s ladder and position herself in just the right place, watching and waiting for her moment to strike.

“Romaine has zero health benefits. I don’t understand why people continue eating this tasteless lettuce,” Jane cried out while in custody.

In another astonishing finding, “Toddler Todd” seems to be behind the most recent cucumber recall. A picky eater since birth, Todd’s hatred of cucumbers began when his parents tried introducing him to new foods, beyond the five that he was okay with. Thus began his vendetta against the tasteless, nutritionally void plant. The Tomato discovered that Todd’s team was behind the cucumber recall in Western Canada.

“Cucumbers are pointless! They are mostly water. Why do we need to eat water? I have my sippy cup for that!” shouted the tantruming Todd while being dragged out of the Health Canada headquarters in Ottawa.

His and Jane’s case will be reviewed by their peers pending results from the farmer’s association. The inquiry will most likely continue for several months until a proper assessment can be made on whether to trust members of Health Canada ever again in light of the recent discoveries.

The investigation concludes that the next logical vegetable would either be brussel sprouts or tomatoes as they are both “vile, soggy plants that have no place in a kitchen, let alone a stomach.” We here at the Tomato surely hope not.

Meanwhile, this controversy has done nothing to improve the image of green vegetables. Farmers across Canada are throwing out tons of perfectly good lettuce and cucumbers in an effort to appease the public. They are hoping that Jane and Todd pay for what they have done and demand full compensation for losses in revenue. Jane and Todd’s lawyers claim the picky eaters are raising funds through an artisanal lemonade stand.