Dear Di,
I want nothing more than for my girlfriend to give me a blumpkin. You know, suck my dick while I take a shit. How can I ask my girlfriend to give me one?
—Blump King
Dear BK,
You want a bathroom blow job and I want someone to locate my G-spot without needing a map, a compass, and a flashlight. We can’t always get what we want; however, if you’re willing to give a little, you may just luck out.
I suggest you start by exchanging sexual fantasies with your girl. Regardless of how strange hers may be, do your best to react without judgment. If your lady’s erotic dreams intrigue you, consider executing them. The more accepting you are of her, the more receptive she’ll be to your blumpkin desires.
Before sharing your washroom wishes, you could perhaps preface the conversation by admitting that your fantasy is rather unconventional. Mention you’re willing to talk about it with your woman because you love and trust her.
Don’t be surprised if she shoots the idea down entirely; however, if she seems at all interested, hash it out with her. Be willing to work with your partner to come up with a concept she’s comfortable with. Maybe she’ll want scented candles present or will ask that you courtesy flush as soon as the shit hits the water. Do what you can to accommodate her requests.
I must admit, getting your gal to fellate your log while you relieve yourself of the other kind of timber will be no easy task. The only time I feel the urge to kneel in front of the porcelain throne is to rid my stomach of too many cocktails, not when I want to suck cock. Even though the blumpkin fantasy is something I may never do, any fantasy can be achieved if you approach the issue properly.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I am in a long-distance relationship and have recently found myself longing for sex more and more. I would never cheat on my partner, so I want to buy a sex toy but I’m completely lost. My friends aren’t the type to ask about this sort of thing, and it’s all foreign to me. Is ordering online more discreet? How do I know what I’ll like? Please help!
—Dazed and Confused
Dear DC,
Ah, the joys of long-distance relationships. I commend you for staying faithful to your partner—that’s no easy feat when you’re hornier than a pubescent boy in parochial school. Truthfully, I’m rather impressed you’ve made it this far without owning a drawer full of sex toys. Using your fingers gets old fast, doesn’t it?
This may come as a surprise to you, but I suggest you bypass online shopping if you’re worried about discretion. Online shopping means you’ll leave an electronic trail and the package will have to be shipped to your home, which I’m guessing you share with people you’d like to keep in the dark about your purchase. Actually going to a sex shop will afford you the opportunity to learn from the expertise of the staff at the store and will hopefully make you realize buying a sex toy really isn’t that big of a deal.
Operating under the assumption that you are at least 18 years old, you are legally entitled entry into an erotic novelty store. Even more importantly, if you’re a human being, you have every right to enjoy sex in almost any way you please. Get over your hang-ups and get thee to a sex shop, pronto.
Unfortunately, your next question is a little more difficult to answer. For hygienic purposes, you won’t be able to actually test drive the toys, so you’re going to have to be willing to take a bit of a chance. I suggest doing a little sexual soul searching before going to the store. If you miss the feeling of your man’s meat inside you, look into dildos. If you’d rather stick to tickling your clit, do some research on vibrators. Want both? That exists too!
If you need more help, make a list of the qualities your perfect sex toy would have and show it to the employee at the shop. He or she will likely be more than willing to help you locate the perfect gadget to suit your needs.
Happy shopping!
Love,
Di
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