Dear Di

Dear Di
Check any smart assery at the door and try being pleasant ... nobody cares that you're on the UOSU's BOD. Image: Hailey Otten/Fulcrum
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No debates on dates

Despite the snow and slush, it’s been a rather dry winter for me, if you know what I mean. If, pray tell, you don’t know what I mean, let me be clear: it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten laid. Any ideas on how to get a social sciences student like myself some action?

Help,

Accidentally Abstinent

Dear AA,

No shame in a dry spell, friend — it happens to the best of us. Not me though, of course… stay safe out there. 

So, you’re a social sciences student, huh? Well, you should lead with that. I have an easy, no-purchase-necessary (though I wouldn’t say no to gratuity), fool-proof, three-step guide just for you: Sex for Social Sciences Students (Dummies Edition).

The devil doesn’t need an advocate

What I’m about to tell you is amongst the University of Ottawa’s best kept secrets — right above why every cafeteria desert is lemon flavoured and right below why Panda is actually called Panda. Ever heard that saying, “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all?” You heard it here first: the phrase was first said to a political science student who had one too many controversial opinions in a crowded 8:30 a.m. Montpetit lecture hall. Don’t be that person, dude.

Swap networking for flirting

If you’ve added your special someone on LinkedIn, I’m afraid it’s already too late for you, dear. In the event that you’ve been able to wrangle some poor student into conversing with you, please make sure that you omit, “um, actually” from your vernacular… and the word vernacular. Check any smart assery at the door and try being pleasant, perhaps. If all else fails, remember this: debates are for Socratic seminars, not dates. Say it out loud to yourself, if you must.

Location, location, location

Ask yourself, if you got one of those pop-up ads that accompany sketchy movie-streaming websites that read, “hot singles in your area,” where would those viable social sciences students congregate? Obviously, by the plant wall in FSS masquerading as the main character whilst struggling to string 2,500 words together on the constitution or something. Do things get hot and heavy in Model Parliament? What about at the student union? I can only assume that they absolutely do. Consider getting a Hill pass, maybe. 

AA, I think if you follow these tips, you may just have a shot at wooing the local ‘poli sci’ singles. Good luck with finding the time to flirt with anyone, though — don’t you have an essay due this week that you haven’t started yet? 

Love,

Di