Dear Ty

Illustration: Rame Abdulkader.

Dear Ty,

The unspeakable happened last night: I slept with my community advisor (CA). It was completely consensual and, full disclosure, I’ve been wanting to fuck them since move-in day. But I’m scared this is going to negatively impact my time in residence—what should I do?

—Fucked My CA

Dear FMCA,

You’ve got yourself into quite the situation, but don’t fret–Ty is here to help. For starters, I want to say that who you choose to sleep with is completely up to you and it’s totally not my place to judge. What I can do is provide you with as much information and tips as I can when it comes to sexual relationships with CAs and students.

To be brutally honest, the first thing to note is that if you and your CA do get caught, there could be serious trouble for your CA. You’ll most likely be off the hook, but most post-secondary schools across the country have a policy against sexual or romantic relationships between CAs and all students living in residence in general, let alone your very own CA. The consequence could be termination of a CA’s employment.

There’s also quite a bit at stake for them. According to the U of O Community Advisors Duties and Responsibilities Manual, CAs receive free housing and around $1,700 for the job, meaning if you do get caught, the fallout could have a big impact on the size of their wallet. Work experience as a CA is also a major perk for a resume, and could be a good source of references for future jobs.

Another thing to note is that if your relationship with your CA, sexual or not, does take a nosedive, this could have a seriously negative impact on the rest of your time in residence. If your CA gets upset after the split, they could write you up more often or be less than helpful when it comes to mediating issues with other students on your floor, or even your roommate(s).

Finally, if other students find out about your relationship (especially if they’re a widely desired potential hook up), retaliation could ensue.

Based on this, I have to say the risks of this relationship may outweigh the benefits (unless the sex is really, really good—I’ll let you decide that for yourself), so you might want to hold off until next year, if you plan on moving out of residence.

However, if you do feel an amazingly strong connection to your CA, or the sexual tension is just too much to resist, there are ways to get around this conundrum.

First, I’d recommend finding ways to hook up outside of residence, where there’s less of a threat of getting caught and being disciplined. An isolated building on campus could do the trick, or a cheap hotel or motel room. If your friends really, really love you, they may even be willing to offer up a bed or couch.

My final tip is transparency: to prevent negative backlash from residence administration, you and your CA could be open about your relationship. This way, instead of being disciplined, you may be accommodated instead. But be sure to do some more recon into CA-student relationships, and use this as your last resort.

Love,

Ty