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photo by Mico Mazza

Tricks for destroying your at-home life

So you’ve met your roommate, and although you’ve only known each other five minutes, you can tell you’re going to hate each other. So why not make their year a living hell? You’re already on the right track by prematurely jumping to conclusions. Another good step is to consciously decide you don’t want to get along this year. You know what they say—you can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it. If you really want to ruin your roomie’s year, follow our guide to making your home life a nightmare.

Avoid confrontations

Setting ground rules for the apartment may seem like a good idea, but really, what will that accomplish? If you agree to them, then you won’t have the excuse, “I didn’t realize that would be a problem.” You’ll also get along more easily, which will totally ruin your plans for apartment domination. Every time your roommate has an issue they want to bring up, feign sickness or temporary deafness until you can get out of there.

Pick fights about little things that you don’t really care about

You wanted the sofa in a different spot? Your roommate didn’t offer you some of the food he was making? You definitely have grounds to start a fight. The equally effective alternative is, when something bothers you, don’t say anything. Keep on fuming and make a mental or physical list of the minute things that bother you. When your roommate asks you to do something around the apartment, you can explode with rage at all of the little things that have been bothering you lately. Speaking of doing chores…

Don’t feel you need to do anything around your home

You’re living without parents, after all—you should be able to choose the circumstances under which you live. If that’s a pigsty with laundry stacking up everywhere and dishes piled in the sink, that’s your choice. Why should you clean up after yourself? It’s your place too!

Tell everyone your business

By your business, I, of course, mean everything that goes on in the apartment—including everything personal you witness regarding your roommate. Make sure everyone knows about her drunken mistakes or the telephone calls he makes to his parents every week. Even the stuff that you “stumble” onto, like the bizarre, stashed away sex toy or the teddy bear hidden in their bedroom closet, is fair game.

Have sex loudly and often

This will ensure your apartment is visited as infrequently as possible. Not only will your roommate be super jealous, but they’ll be sexiled from your place with shame and annoyance. Be sure that you tell your partner(s) they’re welcome to use the shower, watch TV, and eat anything they want out of the refrigerator.

Just follow these steps and you’ll be sure to ruin life at home for your roommate—and possibly yourself. Good luck!

—Charlotte Bailey