Humour

Because a bucket list is too mainstream

Illustration by Tina Wallace

Glorious weather is finally upon us, and days of lounging on a beach, attending summer concerts, and just having a good old time are right around the corner. While some students might use summer as a chance to work on their bucket list, sometimes you just need to say, “Fuck it!” Literally. Here’s our list of things we just don’t feel like caring about this summer:

Bikini bodies

I’ve tried way too many times to get in shape and achieve the perfect beach body for summer. This year, I say fuck it. For my upcoming beach vacation in July, I am going to enjoy myself, with or without the existence of a muffin top over my bikini bottoms. After all, what are the warm but not hot months of May and June more perfect for than Laurier Avenue hot dogs? Nothing. If that means that I will encounter a little more bulk when I slather sunscreen over my stomach this summer, then so be it. I want to have a good time and I’m going to. Besides, everyone weighs the same underwater.

—Julia Fabian

 Studying

Left all of your studying until the last minute and don’t know how you’ll possibly survive? Sure, put a bit of effort into it, but don’t lose any sleep. Fuck it—if it’s not good enough to keep you in your program, there’s always your parents’ profession to fall back on.

—Jesse Colautti

 

Advanced technology

Forget MP3 players: It’s time for the portable CD player to make a comeback. Unlike with iPods, you won’t lose all of your music if the CD player breaks. Also, what looks cooler than sporting a gigantic circular bulge in your pocket as you cruise down the street listening to a classic album?

—Max Szyc

 Makeup

On a sweltering summer day, I challenge anyone who wears makeup to wake up in the morning and say, “Ah, yes, what perfect weather to put on foundation and cover-up.” Fuck that. The only thing that you should rub on your face during the hottest season is sunscreen; everything else will just melt away and leave you looking streaky and discoloured.

—Maclaine Chadwick

 Actual shoes

Flip-flop: I’ve never heard two words go together so perfectly. Seriously, though, this summer I’m all about the flip-flops. Here in Ottawa, we only get about two months of flip-flop weather and I’m going to take complete advantage of it. Move aside wedges, gladiators, and strappy sandals: the simplicity and comfort of flip-flops are hard to compete with. Bonus points: they complete any outfit and are cheap—like one dollar cheap. Sign me up.

—Sofia Hashi

 Being up with the sun

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Can you say, “eye roll?” I absolutely detest this saying and not because I’m a night owl—I am—but because sometimes you just don’t care. And summertime is one of those times. I can’t wait for May to hurry up and get here so I can sleep in all I want. What’s the shame in staying in bed until 3 p.m.? Soon I’ll have a 9 to 5 job, and napping in the middle of the day will be next to impossible. So here’s to summer and sleep!

—Emerson King

 Good hair days

Summer heat + long hair – air conditioning = None of the fucks given. When it’s July and I’m about to spend an afternoon outside, there is no way I’m going to waste more than five minutes wrestling my hair into a fancy updo or worrying about how frizzy my curls are. You know what I am going to do? I’m going to pile my hair on top of my head and forget about it. Oh, and more often than not, I’m also going to use dry shampoo instead of real shampoo. Why? Because it’s summer, and ain’t nobody got time for showering. Who’s with me?! Guys? Anyone…?

—Kristyn Filip

 Non-greasy faces 

I like to hope that I will be someone who ages gracefully, someone who enters her 50s with nary a wrinkle or age spot to be seen.  I’m sure I’ll have to readjust my expectations of aging one day, but in the meantime, I’ll continue to cover my face with sunscreen. In the winter, I can get away with wearing moisturizer with SPF 20 in it, but in the summer months, that just won’t cut it. No, in the summer, I pull out the big guns: SPF 50 from head to toe, and I reapply often. Sure, you might be able to see your reflection in my shiny forehead, but that’s a small price to pay for youthful-looking (and healthy!) skin.

—Kristen Gainesville 

 Censorship

For the first time in four years, my significant other and I are finally, finally, finally going to be in the same city. You can bet your bottom dollar that I’m going to be all over him, at least for the first few weeks. When I’m overwhelmed by just how wonderful that boy is, I’m not going to wait until I’m behind closed doors to squeeze his arm or give him a kiss. I’m going to publically display my affection as much as I want. Cause fuck it, I haven’t had much opportunity to do so till now.

—Ali Schwabe

Feeling bad for taking days off

Yeah, I need to work, and yes, I like to be an exemplary employee whenever possible; but this summer I’m saying fuck it to slaving away and missing all the fun. If I want to take the full 12 days of Bluesfest off, I’m doin’ it. If I want to take a four-day weekend to go home to visit the fam jam, it’s happening.  If I want to book a weekend off to sit on my ass in the sun, I shall. Life is too short to be a slave to cash flow, and we all deserve a little “me time” now and again.

—KayCie Gravelle