Humour

Shade Repellent

Sofia Hashi | Fulcrum Staff

Have you had too much shade thrown your way recently? Have people been salty or dishonest to your face? These are questions the Google team asked themselves when thinking of the next great invention they can offer the public. Shade Repellent is the latest product in the tech world and has generated quite a buzz.

According to Eman Ali, one of the Shade Repellent’s lead designers, this new technology is bound to change the world.

“It’s a problem we all face time and time again: how do we protect ourselves from shade? It was clear to us that too much shade was being thrown. Good, honest, hardworking people needed a way to protect themselves, and the sun just wasn’t making the cut,” said Ali.

The technology used in the Shade Repellent is considered to be revolutionary by many in the industry. The outside resembles a sleek and portable spray can; on the inside is an electronic mist that comes out in different colours depending on the variety of repellent. Current varieties include “Talk to the hand,” “Irrelevant,” and “Bye Basics.” The mist acts like a bug spray against outside shade threats.

“We’ve created different shade-repellent settings to help people protect themselves in any manner they choose,” said Ali. “We’re also working on including new settings, but they’ll probably come later in a newer model that’s essentially the same with an ‘s’ attached to the name.”

The Shade Repellent has already gained some big-name celebrity fans. In the town where gossip is a part of the business, the Shade Repellent has found a sponsor in Adele. The 23-year-old Grammy and Golden Globe winner has fallen in love with the product and has allegedly used it on her so-called haters.

“Adele absolutely loves the Shade Repellent,” said a source close to the singer.

“When she won her Golden Globe, she noticed some shade being thrown her way by Taylor Swift. But in classic Adele style, she just brushed it off with her repellent.”

“She’s even recommended it to Anne Hathaway for her Hatha-haters.”

While the future for Shade Repellent might be shady, its users are convinced it’s going to become the next big thing.

“So much shade is thrown by Carleton students, but we Gee-Gees now have a secret power. It’s like the ultimate trump card,” said Sarah Jones, a fourth-year psychology student at the University of Ottawa and one of the product’s testers.

“Whenever someone asks, ‘What the fuck is a Gee-Gee?’ I’m like, ‘Bye basic.’”

Creators of the new technology believe it has the potential to be used everywhere around the world; they are looking to expand their product outside North America.

“Could you imagine how this could change the world? Just think about the Olympics. Athletes will be able to use the product to focus more on their game instead of on their haters,” said Ali.

As of April 1, Shade Repellent will be available for purchase at all major shopping centres—and go early, because Apple-esque lineups are expected to form. Free samples will be given out during the first hour of opening day so that customers can determine which type of repellent works best for them.

Creators of the product are hopeful about the impact it could have on the online world.

“A lot of people take tons of slack online—whether it’s on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social media. We believe that this product will help people’s self-esteem and confidence knowing that they can repel the shade,” said Ali.

“The whole world will now be able to look their haters in the eye—or in this case, on their screens—and say, ‘Girl, bye.’”