Humour

Historic ruling at Canada’s highest court

Jesse Colautti | Fulcrum Staff

After years of speculation, the Superior Court of Canada has finally released its ruling on which Ottawa-based school can officially call itself “greater,” the University of Ottawa or Carleton University. The ruling, which was decided five to one in favour of the U of O, was delivered yesterday and ends a process that began over five years ago when the case was first brought to Canada’s highest court of law.

The six judges delivered the ruling after it became clear that the U of O was superior in several categories to its rival.

“After countless testimonies and much evidence from both schools, it became unquestionably obvious that the University of Ottawa was far greater than Carleton University. Ottawa U proved to be historically better in several critical categories, including the overall good looks of students, the quality of their taste in all things, and of course general cleanliness and smell,” said Justice Thomas Thompson.

While both schools have historically performed at the same level of athletics, the court also ruled that U of O school pride was “unquestionably stronger” than Carleton’s, and that its mascot, the Gee-Gee, could “kick that Raven’s ass.” In academics, the court could not find any significant evidence suggesting either university’s superiority. However, it was decided that the U of O’s alumni were “far easier to get along with” in the workplace and were more likely to be “someone you would prefer to go shoot the shit with.”

The ruling also meant immediate repercussions for Carleton students.

“The slandering of the University of Ottawa by students of Carleton shall henceforth be a punishable offense, as they now know that any condescension on their part is officially false. All cheers, jokes, and slogans putting down the University of Ottawa shall be illegal,” said Thomas.

“Any public mention of the University of Ottawa by a Carleton student or association must make reference to the former school’s superiority, and must end with the statement ‘We are fools.’”

The ruling was met with jubilation at the U of O as a crowd of over 20,000 congregated in front of Tabaret Hall in a celebration that stretched into the wee hours of this morning. The party was declared by officials as “rambunctious but tasteful” and was therefore allowed to continue all night.

For Paul Colautti, a U of O alumnus who graduated in 1979, this ruling was long overdue.

“It’s been a battle. I always knew we were greater, but coming home to my wife and kids and knowing that they were having to hear people didn’t believe their papa was tough. People were coming up to my youngest and calling him smelly for having a father that went to the U of O.”

The lawyers for Carleton were unavailable for comment after the ruling, but Rudy Brown, Carleton’s chancellor, expressed his relief that the whole process was over.

“We knew we probably weren’t going to win; just having visited their campus a few times it was obvious that their students were extremely good looking and tasteful. Its nothing against our school or our students, and I disagree that all of us smell bad, but sometimes you just have to tip your hat and admit you’re beat,” said Brown in a press release put out this morning.

“What’s important is that we keep winning at basketball; no one can take that away from us.”

Queen’s University and Western University are set to go to court sometime next year over which school’s colours are officially better, and as of this week, the University of Toronto officially launched a lawsuit against McGill University as to who can boast the most overpriced undergraduate degree program in the country. Many Canadian universities are hoping for the courts to settle their bitter rivalries, except for the University of Guelph, who put out an official statement declaring they “just want everyone to get along.”