Humour

Opposition happy with new budget

Jessica Yevy | Fulcrum Staff

AFTER THE FINANCE Minister, Jim Flaherty, revealed his latest budget on March 21, thousands took to the streets in support of “ingenious financial planning,” as one supporter called it. Action 2013 says by the 2015 election the government will be able to hand out free money to voting Canadians, a sentiment the opposition supports wholeheartedly.

“I cannot believe the amazing Conservative leadership and the sincerity with which the Conservatives want to help the electorate,” said Thomas Mulcair, leader of the New Democratic Party.

“It’s great; the government will give citizens free money just in time for the 2015 election.”

While Canada is currently not balancing the books, Flaherty stated it wouldn’t be a problem.

“Revolutionary measures have been put in place to combat this problem,” he said.

“By election time in 2015 we will be the richest country in the world. Forget free health care, we’ll make like Oprah and give free money!” Flaherty continued.

While the minister did not say in concrete terms what the ‘revolutionary measures’ are, Canadian citizens have drastically changed their opinions about the Conservative government. The latest poll results show 98 per cent support for Tories since the announcement of the free money initiative.

“Dude, man, if the government gives me free money, and I use it to buy pot, it’s like the government is buying me pot,” said 21-year-old Sean Rocher, a political science student at the University of Ottawa.

“This is like, the best thing ever. I … love democracy.”

The budget presentation only allowed reporters from SunNews to attend it’s unveiling and the text of the budget has not yet been released publically. However, Mulcair remains optimistic and is prepared to vote the budget through, even though the document was not shown in the House of Commons when the budget was tabled.

“It sounds like it’s the financial Bible of Canada,” said Mulcair in a SunNews interview.

“There’s no reason not to trust the Finance Minister. The government has rarely hidden things from the citizens before.”

When approached by a lone freelance reporter while he was waiting in line for a double-double, Flaherty refused to say what free money will cost Canadians. He could not confirm or deny whether public-sector cuts will be made. When asked if any jobs are in danger, he groaned incoherently about losses and walked away.

“I think it was a secret message,” said Joan Black, the freelance reporter.

“Right after the groan, he handed me his losing Roll Up The Rim To Win cup. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think this means free money for all Canadians comes with a catch.”