Reading Time: 2 minutesEUROPE FEARS NATURE TAKING ITS COURSE Editor’s note: Certain opinions expressed in this piece are satirical and not meant to endorse theft. By now, we’ve all heard of the jewels that were stolen from the Louvre on Oct. 19. While many on the internet lament the loss of these jewels and the cultural significance they …
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe Tomato, formerly produced by the Fulcrum as a satiric column, is set to move into its own offices and launch a new website and Instagram page before the 2025-2026 school year begins.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAfter defrauding 40 million Canadian citizens into thinking 2025 would have an early spring, Wiarton Willie has skipped town and is on the lamb, with the RCMP now trying to track down the deceptive weasel — er, groundhog.
Reading Time: 2 minutesCalvin Bidley has been suspended by intramurals commissioner Roger Baddell for gambling on his own team’s games. Bidley alleges he bet against his team and then threw the games to make beer money.
Reading Time: 2 minutesA professor is facing intense backlash after failing to provide students with their midterms in a timely manner.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe city is now employing raccoon services to help prevent shutdowns with the O-Train.
Reading Time: < 1 minute“uOttawa is not doing a decent enough job with their construction projects falling on important academic events”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteI’m a multi-tasker and I’m not just talking about having a record on each hand, if y’know what I’m saying.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteA campus group is apologizing for what they call an “oversight on the importance of hydration” after hosting a dry homecoming party.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteMembers of the Rideau Neighbourhood Rat Association feel left behind in the province’s reopening plan
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I mean, I’ve been studying environmental science for almost three years now, and I’ve never come across anything that suggested the possibility of ‘warm weather’ in this city. Maybe I’d be inclined to believe them if this were somewhere like Toronto, but everyone knows that Ottawa just doesn’t have a spring.”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAnother student has died by suicide at the University of __________, reports student newspaper, The _________.
Reading Time: 3 minutes“(Looking back at) my first time … (my biggest) regret was not speaking. I thought that all (kinds of) bad things would happen to me—and then the second time that I did it, I found that if you put yourself out there … you’ll get good feedback from it.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesStrange Globe and Mail article becomes a template for political marketing machine.
Reading Time: 2 minutesTo help clear things up, the Tomato managed to get an interview with Trudeau. Suspiciously, the prime minister declined to make any comment, movement, or even blink.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Okay sure, their articles about spying microwaves and political handshake courses were on point, but what they wrote about people tampering with the SFUO election? Ridiculous!”
Reading Time: 3 minutesNew entry in SFUO based reality series showcases students wielding pitchforks and torches at GA.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“While most institutions see the negative side of everything, we as a university embrace our flaws.”
Reading Time: 3 minutesFirst episode teases slap fight between president and VP social.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Having students from all over the world means more diversity of thought, cultural exchange, and higher tuition f—I mean academic rigour.”—Jacques Frémont
Reading Time: 2 minutes“If it turns out that the guy who sells hot dogs out of a cart isn’t legit, I really won’t know who to trust anymore.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I’m so excited to learn everything about this important issue. I haven’t been able to find a job for nearly three years and now I understand why.”—Colleen McCafferty, third-year political science student.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAfter the 53rd recount, it dawned on election officials that while many ballots had been submitted, none of them had any names marked down. One ballot did have the words “Bernie for prez!” scrawled on it, but it was marked as spoiled.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe head of the Weather Network, Mateo Rologist, could not be reached for comment. Sources say he’s been rocking slowly back and forth for the past week whispering “they’ve broken it.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“It’s not everyday that a rich, handsome actor with millions of worldwide fans gets the recognition he deserves.”—Cheryl Boone Isaacs, Academy president.
