The Tomato

Illustration: Kelsea Shore.

Family sues for damages after peaceful breakfast gone horribly wrong  

In the wake of a recent incident involving a bear wandering freely through the streets of the Byward Market, the Tomato has uncovered startling new information that has Ottawa pawsing to reflect.

It has been revealed that this furry visitor was not simply wandering, after all: waiting for him in a nearby breakfast joint were a Mama Bear and two cubs, whose family trip to the Nation’s Capital has now been brought to a catastrophic end.

“The authorities knew full well the consequences of their actions,” announced Mr. Pooh, partner with Paddington, Pooh & Baloo, LLP, and lawyer for the family.

“The Bears were enjoying a well-deserved, peaceful vacation when their husband and father, who had gone out to fetch some berries from the Market’s produce stands, never returned. Oh bother! We need to do better than this.”

The news is bearing heavily on the minds of Ottawa residents, as they seem to be torn about what to make of this sticky situation.

“I mean, sometimes we have to make tough decisions, and that gosh darn Market has been getting worse and worse these past years,” said Sue McScaredy, Barrhaven mom and chair of the Ottawa Helicopter Parents Association.

“My son is forced to live it every morning when he gets his eight-dollar coffee from Bridgehead. It’s bad enough he witnesses homelessness, drug dependency, and other harsh realities not-at-all caused by consumerist society—but now a family of foreign, ravenous bears?”

“I’m just so sad to hear about the ByWard Bear and his family,” Reeley Broque, a first-year U of O student from Sudbury told the Tomato.

“Ever since the days of Goldilocks, people have treated these four-legged buds of ours as second-class citizens. Where I’m from, we’d welcome ‘em in a heartbeat—go up to the cabin, grab some brewskis, you know what I mean?”

“Despite what happened to the poor guy, business is roaring, if you ask me!” explained the owner of a ByWard Market bakery. “We’ve rolled out ByWard Bear-themed cookies… Best thing to happen to us since Obama visited!”

The Tomato also sought testimony from Internet sensation and one of the area’s resident critters—the Rideau Street McDonald’s raccoon. While he would not agree to an interview, he stated his support for the ByWard Bear’s plight and wished to invite the family to return one day as key players in a Market Security Masterplan.

He has a hunch that big scary bears may be useful in breaking up late-night fights.