The Tomato

Squat the new UOSU safety commissioner. Photo: Dasser Kamran/Fulcrum
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Speed demon turned safety commissioner

Squat, a raccoon who received a $150 fine for speeding on an electric scooter in September, has just won the position of safety commissioner in the University of Ottawa Students’ Union (UOSU) by-elections.

The Sandy Hill-based mammal said the expensive fine was a ‘wake-up call’ to better practice safety and be considerate of others. 

 “Eeep eep, eep,” said Squat. “Eep, eep!”

Though Squat ran for the position unopposed, he went out of his way to campaign all across Ottawa. This included acting as a volunteer near elementary schools and handing out flyers to stopped drivers at stoplights.

“I was very confused to see this raccoon hand a flyer to me, but after actually reading it, he has a pretty decent platform,” said Diggin Holes, a U of O civil law professor and stay-at-home father of three.

“A lot of drivers around here just like to zip across campus without a second thought, the worst is this man who wears denim jackets and drives a black Kia, so it’s great to see someone take safety seriously.” 

Squat’s policy included reinforcing the on-campus speed limit of 40 km/h, and banning loud, obnoxious cars after 9 p.m.

Squat had won the newly created position by 3,000 votes in his favour. Di Daniels, a fourth-year communications student and by-election volunteer, was shocked by the overwhelming support for the raccoon.

“I guess people really like raccoons,” said Daniels. “None of us [at the UOSU] were expecting anyone to run for the position, much less win by such a huge margin.”

Squat is excited to begin his role and further his ambition of making not only U of O, but Ottawa in general, much safer.

“Eeep! Eeep, eep, eep,” he thoughtfully said. “Eeep, eeep, eeep.”